Finding Hope When It's Hard - When the Answer is No

“Mary Ann, whose approval do you need?” A simple question, clear and to the point. I was very upset and my priest friend had to ask me three times before I could stop and let the words start to sink in. All I could hear was a loud voice inexplicably saying NO. Emotions around this rejection and other rejections over many years crept in and made it hard to stay focused, to remember what I have learned and try to live. Since then, I have been filled with questions. Question #1 - “What have I learned?” Look back, Mary Ann, to go forward.

The Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life, often referred to as the 19th Annotation, found me about 5 years ago. I certainly was not looking for them. I was retired and relishing the gift of time my new lifestyle offered. After a professional life of service in education and healthcare, I was enjoying the novelty of time being my own. Covid isolation and the resulting expansion of online programs opened a world to me that had never been available before. I’m an education geek. I love school and learning and I was exhilarated.

I approached the Spiritual Exercises as an academic and was soon led to see that this was not an intellectual exercise. This was a prayerful invitation as personal and unexpected as St. Matthew experienced when he heard Jesus say, “Follow me.” I can imagine Matthew, like me, looking around to see who Jesus was speaking to even though he knew he was alone in that tax collector’s booth. Question #2… “Who me?”

It was a long time before I could read Tielhard de Chardin’s words, “Trust in the slow work of God,” and say OK with any measure of peace. I needed a personal relationship with God to trust God. My path to trust took time and God was in no rush. Guided by the Holy Spirit, my relationship with God became personal. I became able to trust the Lord of my longing. An idea for service slowly emerged, surprising in this late stage of my life. Question #3… “Is this what You are asking me to do? Aren’t I finished?”

I was living the Suscipe Prayer and offered my yes to whatever God asked of me before the details became clear. The fact that I felt peaceful in the uncertainty of the discernment assured me that the Holy Spirit was guiding me. My job was to trust and be faithful to the process. Sitting with God in contemplation, noticing the movements within my heart eventually led to an unexpected and seemingly right path to follow. The following two years were spent preparing, studying, unlearning, learning and practicing. It was hard work and the best work. I realized that all my skills, developed throughout my life, were helping me to be effective and have fun in the challenges.

Everything was fine until it wasn’t. I offered myself to an existing program and they responded with a firm no. No reason was given. They didn’t want me. My childlike excitement turned into every painful emotion. I was devastated. Question #4… “How could they say No? Why would they? What do I do now? Aren’t I doing what You asked?”

St. Ignatius to the rescue! His 14 Rules of Discernment exist to help interpret the movements of the Spirit in our lives. As he suggests in Rule #13, I spoke to a trusted spiritual friend and unloaded all my pain and confusion. He asked me, “Whose approval do you need? Why did you do all this in the first place?”

After a pause, he softly said, “Mary Ann. Who do you work for?” THAT’s what I needed to hear. “Who do I work for?” I wanted to be accepted and welcomed. My human heart was hurt and disappointed and I took the “no” personally. It was a human reaction and I understood that my emotions were more extreme than they needed to be. Jesus faced obstacles. Jesus faced rejection. He went to the Father in prayer before moving forward. I didn’t. I just got angry until that question…“Who do you work for?”…and the consoling answer. “I work for You.”

The past months of struggle have been an unexpected blessing, just as the Call has been. My emotions around the rejection have lost their oomph, and their energy is falling away like the autumn leaves I am watching out my window. The only approval I need is from the Lord who has guided me to this moment and asks again for me to serve him. My work is successful and is slowly flourishing. I am being faithful in my daily prayer practice. God is in charge. I am where I need to be and I rest in the belief that God keeps the promises made to my willing heart. What a relief!

I breathe in the consoling words of Julian of Norwich and keep saying yes.

All shall be well,

And all shall be well,

And all manner of things shall be well.

Going Deeper:

• Pray the Suscipe Prayer
• Read more about the 14 Rules of Discernment
• Download our free resource, The Four Steps of Discernment.

Photo by Robert Bradshaw on Unsplash

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Mary Ann Gessner

Mary Ann Gessner has worked with all generations as an art teacher, in Nursing Homes as Recreation Director, Social Services and Admissions Director and Administrator. She was the Director of Admission with a focus on international student recruitment for St. Johnsbury Academy in Vermont and holds a BA in Studio Art and Art Education from the University of Bridgeport, CT and a M.S.A. from St. Michael’s College in VT. Since retiring in 2015, Mary Ann has enjoyed the gift of time to nest, quilt, and cook. This gift of time led to Ignatian Spirituality in the Inner Chapel and Becky’s Overwhelmed No More retreat and the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. Mary Ann is an Ignatian trained spiritual director in private practice, an Interfaith Chaplain and is applying her love of storytelling as a writer. Her two sons have moved gracefully into their adult lives with their families. Mary Ann and her husband still live in the log home they built almost 50 years ago in the woods of Sheffield, Vermont.