Finding Hope When It's Hard - When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

A number of years ago, I had a falling out with a good friend. I’m not going to repeat the words that ruined our friendship. I thought there was enough trust between us to bear the weight of a difficult conversation. In hindsight, I said something terribly insensitive. I asked a deeply personal question, hoping for a vulnerable and honest response, but it came across as painfully judgmental, and there is nothing I can do to take it back.

There is a saying in 12-step programs about “keeping your side of the street clean” (Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 77-78). Keeping my side of the street clean means taking responsibility for my actions, without blaming the other person for what they did to contribute to the problem. Each of us will inevitably make mistakes. When we do something that harms another person, intentionally or inadvertently, we have a responsibility to make it right. In extending a hand of forgiveness, it also means letting go of the outcome, knowing that I cannot control the other person’s response.

For the longest time, I wanted to reconcile. I missed our conversations and friendly banter, and simply being in each other’s presence. Eventually, I realized that the best I could do was apologize, to wipe clean my side of the street. I needed to apologize because it was the right thing to do, regardless of whether or not our friendship would be restored.

When the opportunity finally presented itself, I apologized, and I acknowledged how insensitive my comments had been. My friend agreed … my words were deeply hurtful and still stung. I longed to hear the words “I forgive you” but those words never came, and we went our separate ways. Years later, there is no ill will between us, and we occasionally cross paths. Our relationship is “forgiven” even if it is not “reconciled”. Forgiveness is a grace and a choice that we make, whereas reconciliation requires a mutual commitment and understanding. Forgiveness is possible, even if true reconciliation is not made available.

Today, I still pray for God’s grace to be at work in both of us. I may never fully comprehend how deeply I hurt someone I once considered a good friend. In the same way, I may never fully know if my apology had an impact. The one thing that gives me hope is that God never tires of pouring out mercy and forgiveness. God never fails at transforming our hearts. I trust that God is at work in all things, even in our mistakes and missteps. Perhaps there is a hidden “gift” in this broken friendship, of which I may never be aware.

I did my very best to forgive, and now, I leave it up to God’s grace to do the rest.

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible:

• Remember, you are a loved sinner, as is the other person. Whether you are the one who has been hurt, or you are the one who hurt someone else. Both of you are equally loved and cherished by God. Both of you are broken and in need of God’s mercy.

• Pray for the grace to want to forgive. Sometimes we would much rather hold onto our old hurts and resentments, and we might even take some strange pleasure in doing so, even though we know it’s wrong. Ask for the grace to let go of anything that is getting in the way and for the courage to do the hard work of forgiveness.

• Forgiveness requires that we work on our own stuff. We all have character flaws and personal defects. Each of us is a work in progress. The more willing we are to work on our own issues, the greater our compassion will be when we see others make mistakes.

• Trust that God’s mercy is always at work. God never stops creating, transforming, and providing second chances. God is laboring for our good, even if the outcome is not what we wanted or expected. “All things work for good for those who love God.” (Romans 8:28)

• Seek the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Allow yourself to truly receive God’s forgiveness and experience God’s unconditional love through the sacrament. Trust that God’s love is enough, especially when our human relationships fall short.

Going Deeper:

• Read Beth’s previous post “Finding Hope In Forgiveness”
• Read Tips on how to make an effective apology
• Reflect on “God in the Mess” by Cara Callback

Other Activities:

• We invite you to join our Ignatian community in a monthly virtual book club, held on the third Tuesday of each month from 6:30-8 pm (Central Daylight Time in October). Braving the Thin Places by Julianne Stanz begins October 22, and we will review and discuss two chapters at a time. Sign up here for more information.

Photo by Raychan on Unsplash

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Beth Knobbe

Beth Knobbe is an author, speaker, and ministry professional based in Chicago, Illinois. She earned a Master of Divinity Degree from Catholic Theological Union and serves as a Senior Trainer with Catholic Relief Services, engaging Catholics in living their faith in solidarity with the poor around the world. Beth is an avid traveler and is passionate about her vocation to the single life. Beth is the author of Party of One: Living Single with Faith, Purpose, and Passion (2011) and Finding My Voice: A Young Woman’s Perspective (2009). Her personal blog can be found at www.bethknobbe.com.