Finding Hope When It's Hard - When Feeling Utterly Alone

Utterly alone. The complete alone-ness of feeling separated from everyone around you, somehow separated from even yourself, is a difficult heaviness to carry. As someone who has battled depression since middle school, I know the suffocating intensity of that type of loneliness. Beyond depression, I’ve caught that feeling before during times of crisis and grief, times when you enter a room filled with people and can’t seem to “see” them or “feel seen” by them. In the moment, it can seem easier to be consumed by loneliness than to ask for help.

Perhaps you’ve been there before, too. Maybe you’ve watched a family member go through something similar. I know how hard it can be to ask for help - and to keep asking until you get the help you need. Fortunately, help comes in many forms. You are never alone. For me, help has included both psychology and spirituality.

Years of therapy has taught me the specific methods of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). CBT is a form of treatment aimed at teaching you to identify your automatic and/or negative thoughts, evaluate them, and choose to think more realistic and helpful thoughts. The goal is to lead you to change your behavior patterns and experience a different emotional response, enabling you to move past emotions like loneliness. Perhaps this is why, when I discovered Ignatian Spirituality as a young adult, it felt so natural. While holding a lot in common with CBT, it bridged the gap I was missing, incorporating my deep spirituality within the loop of my thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Considering St Ignatius to be the first to be the practitioner of CBT, William Watson, SJ explains, “In C.B.T., damaging thought processes are targeted and challenged with a new narrative to help alleviate emotional and behavioral patterns that fuel depression and other forms of mental illness.”

Referencing Ignatius’ Autobiography and a time when Ignatius was experiencing his first post-conversion crisis, he continues, “Ignatius heard the “voice of the enemy” taunting him, causing fear and dread at the thought of suffering for “seventy years” without the illicit pleasures and addictions of his early life. He decisively confronted the thought and its attendant threat: “You poor creature! Can you promise me even one hour of life?” Using a cognitive approach, Ignatius challenges the “disturbing thought” and overcomes the temptation. He proclaims the “truth” out loud that the temptations are mirages that only promise life but cannot satisfy his authentic human nature. In this he regains sanity, clarity and peace.”

In my own experience, the brave action Ignatius took to challenge his disturbing thoughts is certainly not the first step. To get myself to that point, I have leaned further on tools developed by St. Ignatius.

When my own eyes can’t “see” those around me and isolation feels overwhelming, I know I need new eyes. I need to turn to the eyes of the Holy Spirit. The simple prayer of the daily Examen has been a crucial lifeline for me. It gives me a concrete way to let Jesus hold the depths of my thoughts and emotions with me, to be in my struggle with me, reminding me that any feeling of being utterly alone is false. God is with me always.

You’ll find the steps of the Examen below, with added commentary from my personal experience of praying with this prayer to hold onto hope during utter loneliness. I want to be clear though - this prayer method is certainly not an instant fix. Just like traditional tools of cognitive therapy, part of the success is found in teaching yourself to self-evaluate again and again, so that you can move forward in changing behaviors. “Again and again” can be slow moving. I have found relief from the depths of feeling alone and isolated through my continued personal practice of Ignatian Spirituality - like praying the Examen daily - in combination with an Ignatian-trained Spiritual Director, a professional therapist, medical doctors, and a whole village of others. My first step is turning to the new eyes of the Holy Spirit. I am not alone. And neither are you.

Steps of Examen:

• Invite the Holy Spirit to help you see your day as God sees it.

Let’s be real, at times of deep loneliness, this step is often a desperate plea. Starting with the honesty of how much you need God’s help is a great place to start. I often need a few calming breaths to let me receive the Holy Spirit and let myself be opened to review my day as if I’m watching it play out on TV.

• Be thankful. Name the gifts of your day, and thank God for them.

If it feels hard to see any gifts, be thankful for this current moment of having God with you. Let yourself soften to see things as gifts that you may often overlook.

• Notice God’s presence. Where did you feel an increase of faith, hope and love?

I find it helpful to look for times when I felt an inkling of faith, hope, and love - even in the tiniest dose. Any presence of God means that my feeling of being completely alone is completely false.

• Notice where you felt what seemed like a lack of God’s presence. Where did you feel a decrease of faith, hope and love? Why?

Even within times when everything might feel like a lack of God’s presence, there might be specific behaviors that trigger a more intense response.

• Look to the future. Ask God for the grace you need in the day ahead. Close with an Our Father.

There is a tomorrow. God will be there for you then also.

Going Deeper:

• It can be hard to embrace support from others, but you are not alone. Pray with Kathy’s printable prayer, Prayer for my Village.
• Read more about Kathy praying with Pedro Arrupe’s prayer to “Help me see with new eyes.”
• Review these Examen Resources - guided audio examens, including Examen for a Day of Crisis, prayer card, etc.
• If you or someone near you is in emotional distress or experiencing suicidal thoughts, please dial 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Hotline or go to the nearest emergency room. Please take action. We are praying for you.

What’s New:

We invite you to join us for our new online Advent Retreat, Standing in the Promises. As we move through each week of Advent we will be reflecting on God’s promises of presence, compassion, love and hope in our lives. As we pray with scriptures during our retreat we want to grow in interior knowledge of each of these promises. We will also reflect on ways that we share those promises with others in our family, community and the world around us.

Photo by Panis gm on Unsplash

Thank you!

We hope you enjoy our Into The Deep Blog! This blog is a free offering to live our mission of accompaniment. If someone forwarded this to you, please be sure to sign up at the bottom of this website page so that you receive an email each week with the new blog.If you appreciate us walking with you in this way, please consider a donation here. $10 a month goes a long way! Learn more and donate here.

Kathy Powell

Kathy, a big-picture thinker and passionate nonprofit and faith-based communications professional, lives in Roswell, Georgia with her husband Kent and three children. Kathy spends her free time reminding her kids to use their inside voices, cooking without recipes, and walking with families who have lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.