Riding on merry-go-rounds was a special occasion in my childhood. The calliope music filled the park, drawing me to the ride. If my colorful horse was at its high point and my arm was long enough, I could lean out to a wooden gadget that held metal rings. There was just enough time for one try to grab a ring each time we went around. If it was gold, the prize was a free ride. Who could ask for more than that on a summer afternoon?
I was a junior in high school when Joni Mitchell released “The Circle Game”. I loved it from the first line, “Yesterday a child came out to wonder…” It was a call to imagine. At that age, I was excited by the potential of freedom and the promise of moving into the stages of life I could only imagine. Her song described a carousel of time and how lives unfold. Youthful hope and a touch of melancholy seemed so appropriate back then. I didn’t understand the idea of seasons of life then, and I don’t think that Joni did either. That would be wisdom that came many years later for both of us. Hearing her sing that song now adds a poignant dimension to my understanding of the impact time and the unexpected, surprising events of life have on all of us. She had to recover from a brain aneurysm that left her unable to sing, walk, or play the guitar, yet she recovered and returned to a thriving career. It is a wonder.
It is summer again. I am many decades older than my first ride on a carousel, stepping out to wonder. The radio played “The Circle Game” this morning, and I was transported back, feeling the cool breeze as the music played us around and around. Have you ever felt young and old at the same time? I wonder why we think of those two states of being as an either/or consideration.
Recently, a friend spoke of eldering. New to me, the word reclaims the concept of aging from a dreaded expectation of decline into an intentional, generously graced season. I have come to appreciate its gift of time, the space it allows for growth and sharing and, yes, freedom. Rather than an end-of-the-road-old experience, eldering holds a promise of discovery, creativity, and reimagining.
Is “yes, but,” coming to mind? There are many things we are prepared for in life. Only recently has how to grow into life after retirement been on anyone’s radar. I remember colleagues at conferences encouraging me not to retire because people die a year or so after that fateful decision. That was 11 years ago, and I am glad to say I am not dead yet.
Looking back to see where we were, to appreciate where we are now, and to consider where we are going, is the advice St. Ignatius has for us, regardless of our age. In our prayer, we ask to see with God’s eyes. Where are we being led? Who are we being led to? What is our next best step toward fulfilling the purpose of our life?
I had all those questions and more. Once, and not that long ago, answers were very important. I needed them. When I was a young wife and working mother of two active boys, I had little time for much more than survival. Bob and I were glad each night to count heads and realize no one was forgotten in the logistics of coming home. Now, I find myself being much more comfortable with curiosity and wondering, with imagining and remembering as a way of moving forward. Our perspective can improve as we grow older. It offers us a long view of life. That is a luxury I have come to cherish.
The song “The Circle Game” begins with a child who sets out yesterday to wonder at a dragonfly, trying not to be afraid of thunder. I think that is why this song is timeless. It is the story of our lives, too. Life moves quickly; careers take shape and families form and grow. We build lives, acquire experiences and possessions, and before we know it, those lives change and slow down. Then we find ourselves looking at a blank calendar, with some opportunities and challenges gone and others now available to us. We start over, adjust to limitations, and find strengths and gifts we didn’t know we had. Like the carousel, we continue on, responding to the music of life and wondering what the Lord has in store for us next. Doesn’t that sound like the Examen? That prayer practice is enriched by a lifetime of memories that come to visit, and we are guided into tomorrow in ways we never could have imagined on our own.
This is daunting for me at times, and I take comfort in Matthew 11:28-30—take up my yoke. My brother-in-law had oxen, and I saw how they worked together in the yoke. As strong as they were as individual creatures, together, they were stronger and more effective. They calmed each other down. In much the same way, accepting the invitation to enter the yoke constantly reminds me in my everyday life that I am not alone. Surrendering control to God has allowed me to find the grace to pivot into new vocations I hadn’t imagined. When I have the courage to enter the yoke, the ease of grace follows. Jesus carries most of the weight and keeps me on the path we have set out upon together. He keeps me out of the weeds, and both discovery and creativity follow.
Retiring offers me the gift of time I never had before. I was able to go back to school after the COVID shutdown ended, which allowed me to complete three units of Clinical Pastoral Education. Working as an interfaith chaplain in a tertiary hospital was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I didn’t know chaplaincy was a career choice when I was young. Now, I can serve in a way that calls on all of the experiences of my life to support others. Unfortunately, there are limited opportunities for this ministry in rural Vermont. My road didn’t end there. Rather, it led me to the surprising call of a three-year residential Ignatian Spiritual Direction program. Skills build on skills, and the result is a ministry I love, which I can practice regardless of where I live. That is the freedom that God’s imagination, time, and modern technology offer.
Someone was joking with me the other day, asking, “Are you done going to school?” I think I might be, but I have come to realize that my job is to say yes to what the Lord has in mind for me. The details work themselves out in the most surprising ways. It is a constant wonder. The music of the carousel continues to play, but now I listen with the ease of knowing who holds the reins with me.
Going Deeper
-
Can you imagine God riding next to your carousel seat? Regardless of how old you are, what have been the ups and downs of life. Take a moment to speak of them, listen to what God might be saying. What have been your desires and how has life and God shifted them, returned them to you? Most wonderfully, how has God continued to meet you over the years? What do you feel about the view from your seat on the carousel?
-
Bring Matthew 11:28-30 into your personal prayer time. How is God inviting you to be yoked together? How does that invitation touch your spirit? Is there something that you are carrying that you want to ask God to carry with you to lighten the burden? Note how that feels, both to ask and to receive.
-
What would an eldering Examen look like? Regardless of your age, it might organically flow into a Colloquy. The Colloquy is a prayer that allows us to enter into conversation with God and consider three questions: What have I done for Christ? What am I doing for Christ? What ought I do for Christ? Use Becky Eldredge’s Triple Colloquy Guided Prayer Reflection to spend time with these questions. What is God imagining for you?
Photo by Pix Tresa on Unsplash.
Thank you!
The “Into the Deep” weekly blog is a free offering to live our mission of accompaniment. If someone forwarded this to you, please be sure to sign up at the bottom of this website page so that you receive an email each week with the new blog.
Comment!
If something our writers shared resonates with you, please feel free to write a positive and uplifting comment by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.
Support Us!
You can help support this free offering with a small monthly donation! Your recurring generosity enables us to continue building our home of accompaniment. If you would like to donate, please do so here.
Mary Ann Gessner
Mary Ann Gessner has been a regular writing contributor to the Into the Deep blog. She maintains a private spiritual direction practice for monthly spiritual direction as well as the accompaniment of people through the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. She has received her formation to serve in this capacity through the Lanteri Center with the Oblates of the Virgin Mary, Milton MA.
Comments
Loading comments...
Leave a comment