Encountering Holy Desire—The God-Sized Hole

There is a saying that everyone has a God sized hole inside of them. Have you ever experienced this? I know the feeling all too well—the gnawing ache in the depths of my soul, a sensation akin to an unquenchable thirst on a hot summer day. Some people describe it as an insatiable itch that you cannot quite scratch, no matter how far you wriggle your body to reach it. Other times it feels like something is missing, like when I forget to put on my favorite necklace, and find myself grasping for it all day long. There is a longing deep within each one of us that only God can fill.

In the restlessness, it is tempting to want to fill the God-sized hole with other things, which can be an utterly endless and futile pursuit. The irony is that when we attempt to fill the God-sized hole with anything other than God, we’re often left wanting more, still craving that unattainable something, and acting in ways contrary to our relationship with God. All those quick fixes (admit it, we all have our favorites!) generally prove to be shallow and short-lived. Maybe we spend time wishing we were someone else, putting on the false mask of superiority, and convincing ourselves that the grass is greener in the neighbor’s backyard. This too falls short. As the saying goes, comparison only seeks to steal your joy.

Only God can satisfy that feeling of incompleteness. God, our loving Creator, is the very source of our existence. We are inherently designed to be in relationship with God. Yet at the same time, the satisfaction of God’s love and closeness is not something we can force or fabricate. The God-sized hole is an emptiness that only God can fill.

I recently brought this persistent ache for something that I couldn’t quite name into a conversation with my spiritual director. “Have you brought this into prayer?” my director asked. After all, who else would have the answer to my unshakable yearning, but the very One whom I’ve been searching for?

Shrugging my shoulders, I sheepishly admitted that I’ve been reluctant to talk with God about the very thing that I know God alone can resolve. Despite my endless striving, I often convince myself that I can fill the emptiness on my own. I rationalize that it is my job to do this. People with degrees in theology should have this all figured out, right?! Surely, I am smart enough to find a way to fill the void. The reality, however, is that none of us is immune to the God sized hole.

My director and I spent some time peeling back the layers of my discontent. “What do you want?” he asked. I want more of God in my life. “But what do you really want? What is the desire beneath the desire?” Life is busy and full, and I’ve been counting down the days to my annual summer retreat, where I often experience God’s grace in abundance. Beneath the aching abyss there is a deeper desire for balance, rest, and reconnection.

My ever-patient and understanding spiritual director reminded me of a simple truth. God is already here. The messy, mundane moments of ordinary life are ripe with God’s goodness and generosity. God is not waiting for me to show up on retreat. God is not stingy or withholding anything. God desires to fill our hearts with God’s presence right now, if only we allow ourselves to see it, experience it, and lavish in it.

St. Ignatius urges his followers to name their desires aloud. Not because God needs to hear them. God already knows what we need and does not need reminding from us. Rather, we speak our desires to acknowledge our dependence on God’s grace. We name our desires as an act of trust. I began to pray with this desire and ask God to help me recognize God throughout the day and savor God’s presence.

A few days later, we celebrated my birthday. The day was filled to overflowing with God’s quiet yet consistent presence. I had the day off work, and I found myself content with “being” and not “doing”, surrendering to the present moment instead of constantly striving to be productive.

Wide awake a full hour before my alarm, I decided to spend that extra time along my favorite stretch of Lake Michigan. On that early summer morning, God’s presence was palpable in the squeal of swimmers splashing in the cold water, the warmth of the sun growing brighter in the sky, a kind word from our parish priest after daily Mass, and a bouquet of bright yellow sunflowers from a dear friend.

I’ve learned to recognize the ways God reveals God’s presence to me, which may be different from how God is revealed to you. But I know for certain God desires to be close to each one of us. It may not be in big and boisterous ways. It’s as subtle as the sunrise and brilliant as wildflowers blowing in the breeze. It is an experience unique to each one of us and something only God can fulfill. I hope you know it when you see it and take time to savor it.

Going Deeper

• Have you ever experienced the God-sized hole, and what was that experience like for you?

• Where do you recognize God in the messy mundane moments of ordinary life?

• Summer often brings a change of schedule with kids out of school, family vacations and other activities. Are you being invited to pray in different ways in this season?

Photo by Beth Knobbe.

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Beth Knobbe

Beth Knobbe is an author, speaker, and ministry professional based in Chicago, Illinois. She earned a Master of Divinity Degree from Catholic Theological Union and serves as a Senior Trainer with Catholic Relief Services, engaging Catholics in living their faith in solidarity with the poor around the world. Beth is an avid traveler and is passionate about her vocation to the single life. Beth is the author of Party of One: Living Single with Faith, Purpose, and Passion (2011) and Finding My Voice: A Young Woman’s Perspective (2009). Her personal blog can be found at www.bethknobbe.com.