It started with a casual conversation with my friend, Sister Mary Michael Fox, OP, a little over a decade ago. Huddled together over the stove in the kitchen at Aquinas College, I watched Sister create something special from leftover pizza.
Pouring copious amounts of olive oil into a skillet, she laid cold pizza slices on top of warm oil. Then sprinkled crushed red pepper and parmesan cheese on top, finishing with another drizzle of oil. Once the crust was crisp, she flipped each slice, cheese side down.
“Sister won’t that stick?” I asked. “Not if you watch it carefully,” she said. “Trust me, Jean, this will be delicious. If you like Italian food, you will love this.” She put our slices onto paper plates, we sat down, said our prayers and tasted the pizza.
“It is delicious.” I said. “One day, I’d like to go to Italy and eat my way across the country.” I said, wiping olive oil dripping from my mouth. She said, “You’ve never been?” I shook my head no. “Then we will pray for that.”
While I did feel a desire to go to Italy, it felt like a frivolous request. I yearned to see the Vatican and the beautiful old churches. Not only did I want to see them but to experience them with all my senses. I wanted to walk the countryside as many saints have done. And I wanted to try their food; experiencing their way of cooking that utilizes local ingredients from simple gardens, cheese shops, butchers or bakeries. It sounded idyllic.
For years, I’d begged for my loved one’s recovery from alcohol addiction and my peace of mind. I’d begged for an increase of faith to have the courage to let my loved ones go. Asking for this trip made me feel like a spoiled child asking for more.
It felt okay to ask for the graces that I knew were a way of giving back to the world. But this desire felt purely selfish. While Ignatius weaves the notion of noticing our desires throughout the Exercises as a way of knowing God’s will, I unconsciously thought that God only wanted to grant the desires that involved my work.
When our youngest daughter came to us with the idea of getting married in Assisi, Italy, I was frightened. This would be a costly trip. I wasn’t exactly comfortable with air travel. How would I be able to plan such an event in a country where I didn’t speak the language?
On the other hand, my daughter and her fiancé are young professionals who didn’t need my permission. A friend that she’d known her whole life was now a priest studying in Rome. He had agreed to marry them. “You’ve always wanted to go to Rome, mom. This is an opportunity to get you out of your comfort zone and make that happen.”
I’m starting to believe that our truest desires are a way that God communicates with us, heart to heart. It felt like he was helping me face the fears that were trying to keep me from enjoying this gift that he seemed to be offering.
As I sat with my resistance to something that I wanted, I realized that my idea of God was still one that limited God. This trip would be an opportunity for me to see God’s power close up. It would be an experience of learning how much God loves us, if we allow it.
I decided to put all the travel plans in my husband and daughter’s hands. I would help with wedding details. I didn’t worry about where we would stay, how we would get from place to place or how we would pay for it.
It’s not a stretch to say that in some ways our trip to Italy was planned by God. We went to Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica the day after we arrived in Rome. We didn’t know we needed tickets to attend Mass but somehow, seats were available. After mass, Pope Francis spoke from his balcony window. We had no idea he was speaking that day.
Spending three days with forty friends and family members in Assisi was magical. Our priest friend who’d spent days at our house as a child became our translator. He took us with him to Mass on our daughter’s wedding day at the Basilica of St. Francis Assisi where he was co-celebrant. After Mass he took us to see Blessed Carlos Atticus where he introduced us to that parish priest. The time spent in Assisi allowed us to get to know our new son-in-law’s family.
Everything about the trip was magical. When we returned home, the blessings didn’t stop. Not only had this trip changed me, other family members who were in attendance were also affected. Without prompting, our son decided to start attending Mass again. Our daughter-in-law decided to go through OCIA. Our nephew joined his childhood church for the first time. Others from the wedding party kept sharing how much the wedding homily touched them.
If there is one thing that this experience taught me, it is that I do not need to be afraid to hope for my biggest dreams. If it’s God’s will, things unfold with ease. Turns out, God’s dreams for me always outdo what I am capable of imagining.
Going Deeper:
- Visit “God in All Things” for a deeper dive reflection on desire.
- The Office of Ignatian Spirituality helps us to begin the process of discernment.
- Becky Eldredge shares the importance of noticing and naming the grace that we seek: Gathering the Graces | Becky Eldredge
Photo by: Gary Walker-Jones on Unsplash
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Jean Heaton
Jean Heaton is a blogger, writer, speaker, teacher, and a workshop and retreat leader. Both her husband and son are in long-term recovery, and she has worked her own Twelve Step program for those affected by the addictions of others. Jean is the author of “Helping Families Recover from Addiction.” She shares her experience, strength, and hope with others at www.jeanheaton.com.
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