The Hope I Seek - Coming Home

Grief shattered me. I understood my life and who I was in early November 2022, and then in a matter of minutes life as we knew it ended as we learned of the suicide of our young neighbor. Life no longer felt whole. I felt like my heart, mind, body, and life were in a million pieces that would never get put back together.

My mother’s heart throbbed knowing my children felt like this too. I remember one distinct moment on my silent retreat in 2024 laying on my bed in my small retreat room for an entire rainy day afternoon weeping. I listened to the song, “Ruins” by Maverick City on repeat. I texted one of my closest friends with the words in my ears, “You rebuild, you restore all that’s broken”. I was desperate for a word of hope. I begged her to tell me we would be whole again. She held hope for me that day because I couldn’t hold it on my own. With prophetic assurance she proclaimed to me God would restore and rebuild each one of us.

I am not sure I believed her then. But I do now.

I do not have the fullness of the words yet to tell anyone what God did in me or my family these past years. Much feels like a Mystery. To be honest, I might always feel my words are inadequate to describe God’s healing. But I do know that God is piecing me back together and bringing me home. I am coming home in a new way though.

There are paths I am walking that are worn and familiar. Prayer. Cooking. Doing laundry. Getting dressed. Saying I love you. Hearing about a child’s or my husband’s day. While familiar, nothing feels the same. These well grooved pieces of my life each hold the depth of loss and the survival of this new life. Prayer feels like my life rope. The daily routines hold a certain reverence to them now, knowing that they are precious and not guaranteed.

For many months, I lived the old familiar life, and yet, felt like a stranger in the very land I already occupied. Nothing made sense. I did not feel whole.

I could not begin to tell you the day or the moment that something began shifting in me. I just know it is happening. God’s mysterious work is helping heal what was broken and putting the pieces of my heart, my family, and my life back together. Even looking back now, I can still only catch glimpses of God’s glue. Moments such as my daughter’s laugh returning after an 18-month hiatus or seeing my son’s eyes have a twinkle in them again or one day realizing I was thinking beyond the next moment and into a month ahead.

God is calling me back home to God, myself, my marriage, motherhood, and ministry. I am being invited to come home in a new way. This year, I am seeking the grace to integrate the God given wisdom from the journey of feeling shattered to feeling whole and at home again.

I am sure many of you are seeking your own homecoming in many ways. Do not give up hope, my friends. God’s mysterious work is unfolding in you, too. One day you will feel God’s restoration of your own homecoming. We may never have the words to describe it, but we will have a bone-deep knowing that we are home again.

Going Deeper:

• Read Becky’s “Treasured Sorrows: Our Teachers of Hope”
• Read ways to “Nurture Hope.”
• Re-visit our Into the Deep writers “Sustaining Hope” Series from 2022.

Photo by: Parrish Freeman on Unsplash

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Becky Eldredge

Becky Eldredge is an Ignatian trained spiritual director passionate about inviting people closer to Christ. She does this by accompanying people as they navigate deep waters of their faith lives through spiritual direction, writing, retreats, and as founder of Ignatian Ministries. She is author of two books: The Inner Chapel and Busy Lives and Restless Souls. Becky is part of the Archdiocese of New Orleans Spirituality Center teaching staff where she trains spiritual directors in the Ignatian tradition. She lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana with her husband and three children.

Becky is an Ignatian-trained spiritual director, retreat facilitator, and writer. She is the author of the Busy Lives and Restless Souls (March 2017, Loyola Press) and The Inner Chapel (April 2020, Loyola Press). She helps others create space to connect faith and everyday life through facilitating retreats and days of reflection, through writing, and through spiritual direction. With nearly twenty years of ministry experience within the Catholic Church, Becky seeks to help others discover God at work in the everyday moments of people’s lives by utilizing St. Ignatius’ Spiritual Exercises and the many gifts that our Catholic faith and Ignatian Spirituality provide.