From Desolation to Consolation: Tepidness of Spirit - Return to Zeal

From Desolation to Consolation: Tepidness of Spirit - Return to Zeal

My will not Your will be done, Lord. Amen.

Ok, so that’s not a prayer I’ve ever uttered directly to God. At least, not in those exact words. But I would be lying if it wasn’t one I know my thoughts and actions have indicated before.

My will.

Not Yours.

My clearest memories of my actions indicating those words to God was during the three years I tried to force my will and desire for a Catholic education onto my boys. My dream was that they would experience a Catholic education at least for K-12 just as I had. In fact, I told my husband that it was nonnegotiable long before he even popped the question.

My will.

But it turns out that instead of those few years in a rich, Catholic environment being a time of increased connection to God for me and my family, they were a time of increased disconnection… At least, they were for me. I want to be clear to say, as a lifelong student and educator in Catholic schools, it was not about the school itself. I still am and will always be a huge proponent of Catholic education. But for me, because I was so focused on my desires, I wasn’t able to acknowledge two very important things:

 1. There is no one-fits-all school for children;
 2. God is not found only in Catholic schools.

My boys, as I have written before, all have hearing aids and learning differences. It turns out that a private school for learning differences with small class sizes that aid in hearing instruction would be a better fit for them.

I remember when I finally was able to open my eyes to that possibility. It was at one of my lowest moments of frustration and desperation after I tried yet another way of proceeding to make my will for their education work and discovered it, yet again, only made things worse. I literally threw up my hands and shouted: “Just tell me what to do, Lord! I surrender, you are in charge now. Fix it, please!”

Your will not my will be done.

Turns out, though, that moment of surrender only got me halfway from the tepidness of spirit I was feeling to the zeal of connectedness with God I craved for myself and for my family. The first step was admitting I needed God’s help, but the next step was realizing that God would not fix it without mine.

“My will not your will be done” was incorrect.

“Your will not my will be done” was incomplete.

In order to fully return to zeal, in order to return to consolation so that my heart and mind would be free to make a good decision for my sons, my prayer had to become:

“Unite my will with yours so we can together go all in.”

A few suggestions for moving from tepidness towards zeal:

• Praying the Examen: In this example and many others in my life, the Examen has played a significant role in helping me move from “my will” to “our will” and re-establish connection with God. Through it, I am able to acknowledge the moments in my day when I forced my desired outcome rather than discerned the next right step alongside God.

• Keeping a record of the journey: For some, a record could be a journal. For me, it has always been posts like this one that I can return to and see patterns in my spiritual life. Being able to see over time the things that helped lead me towards consolation have helped me know what I need to do the next time desolation rolls around.

• One-line prayers: When I am feeling tepidness of spirit, it can be difficult for me to find the words to pray. In fact, in those moments, my prayer can often become a repeated litany of complaints. In the past few years, I have found it really helpful to make up a few one-line prayers. I find I either say them once a day just to keep the line of communication open til I find connection again or I repeat them over and over again until I can feel the calming presence of God with me. Here are some I use:

- Let your time become my time, Lord.

- Remind me that You love me, as I am, no matter what.

- Engulf me in your calming presence so it may drown out my fear.

- (and the one from this post) Unite my will with yours so we can together go all in.

Going Deeper:

• In addition to the one-line prayer, consider praying with this poem by Gretchen Crowder called “I’m all in” she wrote one of her own periods of desolation and spiritual tepidness.
• This Fall, beginning on September 15, we are going to explore the First Principle and Foundation of the Spiritual Exercises in our new Love and Freedom Community Retreat. We will consider God’s unconditional love and faithfulness throughout our lives as well as the spiritual freedom God gives us to choose to respond to God’s call in our lives. Sometimes in life, our desires aren’t focused on what God wants for us. Just as Gretchen wrote today, we can be attached to our will and desires or say “yes” to God’s. We hope you will join us on this incredible journey of prayer, purpose and meaning in our lives with God. To learn more, and register, click here.

Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

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Gretchen Crowder

Gretchen Crowder has served as a campus minister and Ignatian educator for the Jesuit Dallas community for the last fifteen years and counting. She is also a freelance writer and speaker. She has a B.S. in mathematics and a M.Ed. from the University of Notre Dame as well as an M.T.S. from the University of Dallas. She resides in Dallas, TX with her husband, three boys, and an ever-growing number of pets.