From Desolation to Consolation: Doubt - The Movement to Clarity

From Desolation to Consolation: Doubt - The Movement to Clarity

For I know well the plans I have for you

Have you ever had a desire and doubted if it was the right thing for you? For many years, I desired to become a teacher. I had romanticized the idea of becoming an educator, not knowing the hard work that goes into it daily. When I was in third grade, I had an experience in a class that made me feel small. This experience made me doubt whether teaching was the best career for me. A few weeks ago, I listened to a podcast where the host’s words stayed with me, “Do not let anyone make you feel small.” Hearing those words from the podcast reminded me of how God moved me from a moment of doubt in becoming a teacher to clarity of my call.

I grew up in the inner city of Los Angeles in a housing development known as the projects. In third grade, I felt I was made to feel small for the first time, not realizing the negative impact this event would have on my life. My third-grade class was learning to tell time, but I could not do it. The teacher would ask me, and I would get it wrong, every time. My last memory of learning to tell time was the teacher saying, “You better get it right this time.” My friend sitting beside me whispered the answer, and the teacher left me alone. As I type these words, I feel sad for that little girl in third grade afraid, not smart, and small. In high school, I remember my teacher, Mrs. Viramontes, asking me where I would go to college. I didn’t plan on going to college because I did not know the steps involved, nor had I taken the SATs. Mrs. Viramontes understood the problem better than me. My doubt stopped me from asking, but Mrs. Viramontes never stopped asking. She helped me apply for financial aid, and thanks to her help, I went to junior college.

Getting my college degree became one of my goals in my 20s. I wanted to get a teaching degree, but I decided to get a business degree instead because I was already working for a large corporation and making good money. I enjoyed my job and the perks that came with it. However, something changed once I got married, and we started having kids. I was good at my job, yet it was not fulfilling. Throughout the years, I kept thinking about becoming an educator but pushed that desire aside because it was not the popular thing to do. I was told, “It is a lot of hard work” or “does not pay well.” The doubts kept coming up, so I continued to push the dream aside. I was laid off during the 2008 recession, which was a difficult time, but the situation created the opportunity for me to lean on my loved ones for support. From that support and constant prayer, I trusted I was on my path to becoming a teacher.

When you look for me you will find me

Along the way, God placed people in my life who believed in me and helped me. Looking back, I see those people as angels who provided their wisdom to help me. Like Mrs. Viramontes, who encouraged me to dream of going to college.

Last year, I completed the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola; I learned during the Exercises that the feelings of doubt, anxiety, and fear are not from God. On the contrary, it is entirely the opposite. The words that the teacher said to me as a child hurt me for many years. Yet, God’s love for me was stronger than those hurtful words. That childhood experience, even though it made me feel so small and filled me with doubts about my abilities as a student, has made me the teacher I am today.

When I walked into a classroom to teach for the first time, I received the clarity I needed. I felt in every fiber of my being that I was where I needed to be. We all have God-given gifts, and when we use those gifts as God intended, we receive clarity without any doubts. Teaching middle school students is not an easy job. Yet, I am where I am meant to be. I see my students as Mrs. Viramontes saw me many years ago. If you had told that 3rd-grade girl from the projects that she would find so much joy teaching, she would not have believed you.

Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me

Even though I was full of doubts for so long, the one constant was always my faith and prayer life. God was in the midst of all of it.Whatever your doubts or what stops you from moving forward, take it to God in prayer and trust in God . God will provide you with clarity along the way.

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, plans for your welfare and not for woe, to give you a future of hope. When you call me, and come and pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart…

Jeremiah 29: 11-13

Going Deeper:

• Read How Ignatian Spirituality Gives Us a Way to Discern God’s Will by David L. Fleming, SJ.
• Join us for Going Past the Shallows: The First Set of Rules of Discernment beginning on Wednesday, August 28. We will learn and practice how to better notice both the Holy Spirit’s movement in our lives and the false spirit’s movement. During this course, we will lean on the wisdom of St. Ignatius and the practical tools of discernment he taught us so that we are better able to discern the movements of consolation and desolation in our lives. Click here to learn more. Note: if you can’t join us for the first session this week, don’t worry, you will have access to the video lesson by Becky and the Workbook. We hope you can join us!
• Check out the Prayer Resources on our website, especially our Grace Sheets - Individual Paths of Prayer. You will be guided for six weeks with daily scriptures and reflection questions. When we seek God with all our hearts, as shared in Liz’ blog, there will be a way to find God. The Grace Sheets might answer a specific concern on your heart. God will listen and respond.

Photo by Jeffrey Hamilton on Unsplash

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Elizabeth Aceves

Liz Aceves is a passionate Catholic school educator with a decade of experience teaching Spanish. Her love for working with children and teaching them about their faith and language has been a constant source of inspiration. Liz believes that learning a second language is essential in fostering acceptance and understanding among people of different cultures. Her spiritual journey has been enriched by her discovery of Ignatian Spirituality eight years ago, and she has been an active member of the Inner Chapel community for three years. Liz finds joy in facilitating the Friday Inner Chapel Prayer group, surrounded by inspirational women. As a devoted wife and mother of two teenage boys, Liz enjoys reading historical nonfiction and spiritual books, traveling, and hiking.