From Desolation to Consolation: Anxiety - The Movement to Peace

From Desolation to Consolation: Anxiety - The Movement to Peace

I was puttering about the kitchen when I heard my husband wail, “no-o-o-o-o-o …”

“What’s the matter?” I called, running towards the family room. “My coffee spilled. Do we have any more paper towels?” I rushed out to the garage for a new roll and came back to find him on his hands and knees, mopping up the coffee.

As I reached for the soiled towels and handed him the fresh roll, I spied my computer laying next to the spill. “Did my computer get wet?” I shrieked. “I wiped it off.” He replied, handing it to me. That is the moment my world stopped. I scooped it up and tried to turn it on. The slide deck that I’d been working on was due in two days. I hadn’t moved it to the slides app yet. I would lose it for sure. I couldn’t catch my breath.

Just two days earlier, I’d had an epiphany. I realized that I’ve been asked to write on the same topic by a few different organizations. It occurred to me that over the course of the last two years, I had created a lot of content around the same subject. It was enough material to become a new project of its own. This realization felt as if God was unveiling a surprise that he’d been cooking up all along. I felt so loved.

For two days, I’d basked in the warm feelings of being loved and cared for and in an instant, it felt like a sick joke had been played on me. I began to question the call that was so lovingly offered two days earlier. My feelings of joy were replaced by sadness.

While I knew that I could retrieve the work that had been emailed to others, I also knew that I’d run out of cloud storage. How much of my work had been lost? I began to panic. I felt my body tense up. I experienced an almost jittery feeling as I went through my day. My need to control the situation left me anxious. I was miserable and felt distant from God.

I wanted the easy path that I thought was being offered before. I didn’t want to have to do all of the work again. Yet, I didn’t want to continue feeling this way. I’ve tried to hang on to my will too many times before. I am learning that the sooner I catch it, the shorter the distance back to God.

If I wanted to find my way back to peace sooner, I would have to employ Ignatius’ ‘agere contra’ or to go against–to bring myself back into God’s will.

I needed time to try and see my situation as God does. Even though I was inclined to binge on a British murder mystery, I intentionally went against that feeling and opened up Spotify to my meditation playlist. The St. Louis Jesuit’s version of “Take Lord, Receive” or the Suscipe prayer began to play. I noticed my breathing slow into the rhythm of the song.

Then I considered how far I’d strayed from God’s plan for my life during this chaotic week. As I tried to open my hands to say and mean, Take Lord, receive… I felt resistance. The words from an old western movie quote were closer to speaking the truth of my feelings: ‘You’ll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands.” Instead, I uttered the words, “Help me want to say, Take Lord, receive…’

For a while during that week, I thought about throwing in the towel on a few of my writing projects. Maybe the accident was a sign. There was another part of me that questioned the source of that need to give up and remembered that no decisions should be made while I am in desolation. Instead, I went to daily mass.

I came home with enough resolve to start my slide deck all over again. As I worked, some new ideas that would improve the presentation started to bubble up. I added them in, wondering if God had allowed this to happen for a reason. As a mentor often says to me, “If I’m not the problem, then there is no solution.” What lesson can I gather from this experience?

I kept working. I limited my time on my devices and I spent more time with the daily readings. I prayed more. At night, I did my daily Examen. I started to see that if I relied on God instead of self, with every single tiny decision, I began to feel calmer. As my body relaxed, my ability to do the next right thing improved.

Like a snowball that starts out small and gathers snow as it continues moving forward, it got easier as I stuck with the resolve to go against the desires to feel sorry for myself, give up, freeze or even run away. This season of desolation won’t last forever. I just need to remember that the shortest distance is through–with God’s help.

Going Deeper:

Learn more about each of the following topics that Jean mentioned in her blog -

• Agere Contra
• Suscipe Prayer
• Daily Mass
• The Daily Mass Readings
• The Examen Prayer

Next week, on Sunday, September 15, we are going to explore the First Principle and Foundation of the Spiritual Exercises in our new Love and Freedom Community Retreat. We will consider God’s unconditional love and faithfulness throughout our lives as well as the spiritual freedom God gives us to choose to respond to God’s call in our lives. Sometimes in life, our desires aren’t focused on what God wants for us. To learn more, and register, click here.

Photo by Anne Nygard on Unsplash

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Jean Heaton

Jean Heaton is a blogger, writer, speaker, teacher, and a workshop and retreat leader. Both her husband and son are in long-term recovery, and she has worked her own Twelve Step program for those affected by the addictions of others. Jean is the author of “Helping Families Recover from Addiction.” She shares her experience, strength, and hope with others at www.jeanheaton.com.