Hope in Listening to the Spirit - This is Not a Drill!

“In the unlikely event of decompression in the cabin, oxygen masks will automatically be released from above your seat.” How many times have I heard this very important briefing over the past 50 years? So often, I have to force myself to listen each time so I don’t become numb to the message.

We have all experienced routine drills and training in school and at work that take time we would rather spend any other way. I worked in health care for a major part of my life, and we had fire drills, evacuations and quarterly training called “Mandatories,” which were reminders about infection control, fire drills, CPR, hand washing, confidentiality and more— all presented and practiced.

My own fear of choking made me fear failing the Heimlich maneuver. It is fairly simple and very effective. Like any other emergency, choking happens quickly, without warning, and requires an immediate response. Would I be able to do it in time? I did have to use it once.

I was at a small banquet with international guests at our school. The sixteen guests were sitting at a large, square table enjoying the first tastes of the delicious meal. I was in a conversation with the teacher to my left when I felt my right hand being tapped several times with increasing intensity. I looked over to my right and saw that my friend was in wordless distress. Instinctively, I stood up while guiding her to do the same. I put my arms around her chest from behind, made a fist with my hands, and pushed up twice—then felt her relax. A bit stunned, we both sat down. Ann was okay, able to sip a bit of water with relief. What was amazing to us was that no one at the table knew what had happened. It was that quick! All the practice from all those years flowed into my hands to help my friend.

St. Ignatius’ First Set of Rules of Discernment—which includes fourteen rules—are such training. I read them and refer to them often. Gradually they have moved from an academic exercise to an Examen resource when I find myself in desolation. What is happening? How did I get here? Why did I get here? What should I do now? Next time? Every now and then, I receive the grace of wonder at how well they work when I let the Spirit guide me.

Here is an actual experience from a few months ago. As you read it, see if a memory of a similar experience comes to you. Hold onto your memory in wonder as you notice the various rules coming into play.

I was participating in a two-week training to accompany others through the Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life (the 19th Annotation). Each day was filled with information, practice, and prayer. I was going deeper into Ignatian spirituality and loving every moment. In one of the last class sessions— focused more on the dry logistics of presenting them—I was hit by a crushing sense of dread and inadequacy. What was I thinking? My optimism and joy turned dark. It was awful. I was trying to take notes and wanted to run away at the same time. I looked around the group sitting at our U-shaped table arrangement, and everything looked so normal.

I remembered my Heimlich friend, Ann, smacking my hand years ago. This was not a drill. I was under spiritual attack and experienced Ignatius’s rules like a flipbook of wisdom: Don’t panic. You have experience with this—although nothing this strong. Ask the Holy Spirit for help! This is not a drill! I asked for help and began praying to St. Michael the Archangel continuously. Noticing the normalcy of the class was comforting, although I have no idea what was being said—I was too busy resisting the desolation. However, I felt deeply aware that I was being given the grace I needed to get through this disconcerting experience.

As though on cue, the desolation left as the class ended. I was drained. Later, I was able to speak to one of my teachers. As she finished giving me feedback, she said, “You done good.” I caught my breath and choked on a sob. We were both startled. Through tears, I told her that those were the last words I said to my mother before she died twenty years ago: “You done good.”

I had felt my mother’s presence throughout the course—the retreat house was filled with hibiscus, her favorite flower. Tears flowed as I described the overwhelming desolation of a few hours ago and worked to process the rush of consolation that followed. Those words to my mother, which had seemed so inadequate years ago, were now being returned to me as a blessing.

Just as the enemy finds our weaknesses and exploits them, the Holy Spirit knows our tender places and nurtures us. The rules work—and sometimes the Holy Spirit sends us reminders that, in life, nothing happens in isolation. The rules of discernment, the people in our lives now and in our past, and our experiences all blend to help us grow into the persons we were created to be. Amen…Alleluia!

Going Deeper:

• This is an actual experience from a few months ago. As you read it, see if a memory of a similar experience comes to you. Hold on to your memory in wonder as you notice the various rules coming into play.
• The rules are Ignatius’ great gift to us. Remembering them gives us hope that the Holy Spirit is and will always be with us, holding us. Read this translation of the rules for guidance.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

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Mary Ann Gessner

Mary Ann Gessner has worked with all generations as an art teacher, in Nursing Homes as Recreation Director, Social Services and Admissions Director and Administrator. She was the Director of Admission with a focus on international student recruitment for St. Johnsbury Academy and holds a BA in Studio Art and Art Education from the University of Bridgeport, CT and a M.S.A. from St. Michael’s College in VT. Since retiring in 2015, Mary Ann enjoyed the gift of time to nest, quilt, and cook. This gift of time became more intentional and led to Ignatian Spirituality via the Inner Chapel and Becky’s Overwhelmed No More retreat and the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. Mary Ann is an Ignatian trained spiritual director in private practice, a CPE trained Interfaith Chaplain and is applying her love of storytelling as a writer. Her two sons have moved gracefully into their adult lives with their families. Mary Ann and her husband still live in the log home they built almost 50 years ago in the woods of Sheffield, Vermont.