The rainy gray skies of May mirrored my interior struggles. As an advocate for families affected by addiction, you’d think that I would be used to the resistance I receive when fighting for families to be seen and helped. And while I know intellectually that this resistance comes from a place of fear, my heart doesn’t always accept it like my mind does.
Sometimes, I grow so weary from the fight that I feel a pull to give up and walk away. My life could be so much simpler, I think. I start feeling like Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero” song should be my own personal anthem: “Hi, it’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me.” This desire happens so subtly, and if I am not aware of it, I could fall deeper and deeper until those feelings lead me to despair.
So how do I stop this descent? I find my way to my back porch—away from my everyday life and back into nature. I sit quietly for a while and then I ask, “What’s this all about, God? Am I the problem? What do I need to do differently?” Then I just sit in the beauty of God’s world, listening to the birds and marveling at everything in bloom. It is here that I begin to feel God’s presence and start feeling my being shift, ever so slightly, towards hope.
It is when I slow down that I am able to discern that I may be in desolation. Rule Five of the Discernment of Spirits reminds me of the tactics the false spirit uses. I don’t need to do anything different right now. I shouldn’t make any major decisions based on these feelings I’m having. I just need to be present and understand what is happening.
While I understand that I shouldn’t make rash decisions about the ministry I’ve been called to, there are some things that I can do to help me feel God’s presence and strength. Rule Six of the Discernment of Spirits gives us three avenues to fight against (agere contra) desolation.
The first line of defense is prayer. I need to up the ante. More time in prayer is less time listening to the false spirit trying to distract me from my call.
Next, I offer up some of the angst that I feel by doing something good for others. My 12-step practice guides me here. We are encouraged to do a good deed for someone else every day without getting found out—or it doesn’t count. This helps me stop navel-gazing. I look out at the world and ask, “What small way can I help today?”
It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. It can be something as simple as rolling in your neighbor’s garbage can from the curb when she’s not looking or going to a local elementary school and paying for a school lunch for a child in need.
The last suggestion in Rule Six asks us to make a closer examination of ourselves and our lives of faith. I’d been reading a book that offered ways to help you get unstuck, and the suggestion to ‘Find the Child’ had a profound effect on me.
The book suggested finding a childhood picture and looking deeply at that child to notice what she needs. I dug through boxes of pictures and found a newspaper clipping of myself with a group of girls who’d competed in a baton-twirling competition. Each of us had won in our individual divisions. Sitting on the ground in front of us were our trophies.
Every girl in the photo was standing up straight, arms out and toe pointed in the perfect frame we’d been taught, except me. I was doing some version of the pose, but it was one that obviously didn’t want to call attention to myself.
I knew exactly what I’d been doing. I’ve been doing some iteration of blending into the background for as long as I can remember. Seeing that photo helped me to see how long I’ve been listening to the voice of the false spirit.
That child who still resides inside me needs to understand how loved she is as a child of God. She needs to hear what Greg Boyle, SJ, often says: “You are exactly what God had in mind when he made you.”
We don’t memorize these rules of discernment and then all is well. We use them when we stumble, and hopefully, over time, we recognize when we are struggling a bit sooner—and use them to get back on track. The work that I’ve been called to do in God’s world is what I’ve been called to do, no matter what.
Going Deeper:
-
If you want to learn more about discernment but are unsure where to begin, check out this collection of ideas, Resources on the Discernment of Spirits found at ignatianspirituality.com
-
To look more closely at the Discernment of Spirits, consider reading this article, Minding Our Thought Patterns by Vinita Hampton Wright
-
If you find yourself in desolation, consider the three avenues Jean referenced to fight against it:
Photo by [Audri Van Gores](Photo by <a href=%22https://unsplash.com/@audrivangores?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash%22>Audri Van Gores on <a href=%22https://unsplash.com/photos/an-old-chair-and-table-in-the-middle-of-the-woods-gwbZ9rpam6Q?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash%22>Unsplash) on Unsplash
Thank you!
The “Into the Deep” weekly blog is a free offering to live our mission of accompaniment. If someone forwarded this to you, please be sure to sign up at the bottom of this website page so that you receive an email each week with the new blog.
Comment!
If something our writers shared resonates with you, please feel free to write a positive and uplifting comment by scrolling down to the bottom of the page.
Support Us!
You can help support this free offering with a small monthly donation! Your recurring generosity enables us to continue building our home of accompaniment. If you would like to donate, please do so here.
Jean Heaton
Jean Heaton is a blogger, writer, speaker, teacher, and a workshop and retreat leader. Both her husband and son are in long-term recovery, and she has worked her own Twelve Step program for those affected by the addictions of others. Jean is the author of “Helping Families Recover from Addiction.” She shares her experience, strength, and hope with others at www.jeanheaton.com.
Comments
Loading comments...
Leave a comment