I sat alone in the bedroom with my mother as she lay dying. It was just past midnight, the morning of November 1, 1998. It felt that it was fitting that it was All Saints Day. Her breathing became erratic. I held her hand until it stopped.
I’d been afraid to face my life without her. I didn’t want to be the one with her when she died. It would be too hard. My husband pushed me to go home anyway. And I could feel God’s nudge, asking me to face my fears.
I went into the other bedroom to tell my dad. We were all exhausted. We’d been taking turns sitting vigil those last 6 weeks. My dad wanted me to call my brothers and sisters. All seven of us gathered together in the middle of the night, not knowing what to do with ourselves. That morning was the first time that I ever saw my father cry.
When the funeral home staff removed her body from my childhood home, never to return, reality set in. I felt disoriented. I went straight to her closet and pulled out her favorite cardigan sweater and took in a long deep breath of her scent. I wanted to remember. Then I prayed, “Lord, where is she? Is she okay?”
This woman who raised six children and loved 19 grandchildren had been my point of reference for all of my 34 years. Now she was gone. How would I know how to keep going? I felt so alone.
During this first week of Easter, the readings come from John 20: 1-9. I’d like to invite you to use imaginative contemplation to accompany Mary Magdalene on this journey. We will read and pray using our imagination to see what thoughts or emotions arise from this exercise.
What does God want to reveal to you?
Reading this passage, I imagine that like me, Mary Magdalene couldn’t sleep. She arrived at the tomb well before daybreak, feeling anxious. Then I wonder, did she ask God where Jesus was and if he was okay, like I did when my mother died.
In Mark’s account of the story, there’s a brief mention that Mary Magdalene was healed by Jesus. He cast 7 demons from her being. As I sit with this knowledge, my mind revisits a time where God removed something difficult from my life. I remember the frustration of trying to fix things alone. When God removes the obstacle, God waits for me to be ready. God waits for me to ask for help. When I finally summon the courage, relief is almost instant. Why do I wait so long?
Because I share this life-altering experience with God, our bond deepens. I trust him more. I think back to Mary Magdalene. I can sense the closeness that she shares with Jesus. He is literally her savior. He saw her despite the demons. She will never forget being seen by him. She will follow him anywhere.
She even follows him to the foot of the cross. She must have been so afraid. I can’t imagine the fear and grief that she felt to accompany him through such a traumatic death. She remains by his side until he takes his last breath. She waits and arrives early in the morning with spices to help prepare his body for burial.
But the stone had been removed. The tomb was empty. I imagine fear returning. When I experience shock, it makes me feel as if time has stopped. The reality of the situation must have seemed impossible. I feel as if I am out of my body observing a movie. How can this be? What should I do?
Mary Magdalene ran for help. She found Simon Peter and John. Surely, they would know what to do. Mary told them what she’d found. Both disciples ran back to the tomb. Where had they taken him?
They returned to the tomb to find the burial cloths. The cloth that covered his head had been rolled up and it was separate from the ones that covered his body. Seeing the evidence that Jesus’ body was not there helped them believe in what had seemed impossible before. Jesus must have risen from the dead!
I imagine Mary Magdalene making this connection. Hope and joy cautiously seeping their way into her being, replacing fear. What wonder they must be feeling. I try to think back to a time when joy replaced fear. I remember welcoming hope when I could not imagine its existence. Can you imagine a Paschal path that you have walked? Can you celebrate along with Mary Magdalene?
I imagine a celebration. Perhaps they sing and dance. Let me leave with the lyrics to a song of celebration.
We are the Easter people,
Alleluia is our song
Let us rejoice,
let us sing out Jesus is risen,
Alleluia!
He died for us, now He is risen,
We share his life, Jesus is Lord.
His light shines out, dispelling darkness
Tell the whole world, Jesus is Lord.
Proclaim His glory,
Christ is the Saviour He dies no more,
Jesus is Lord.
God’s people sing, you share
His victory Have no more fear,
Jesus is Lord.
Going Deeper Together:
- Read about the tomb experience of Mary Magdalene from a different perspective: “I Have Seen the Lord” by Barbara Lee on IgnatianSpirituality.com.
- Read Jean’s article on IgnatianSpirituality.com, “Consoling Love”.
- Listen to a reflection by Becky Eldredge, Season of Joy; Witnessing to the Real
- How are you experiencing the joy of Easter today? Look around for signs of new life, as Becky invites us to do in the “Season of Joy” reflection, and bring those to Jesus. Who are you being invited to share those signs of hope and joy with?
Photo by Pisit Heng on Unsplash
Jean Heaton
Jean Heaton is a blogger, writer, speaker, teacher, and a workshop and retreat leader. Both her husband and son are in long-term recovery, and she has worked her own Twelve Step program for those affected by the addictions of others. Jean is the author of “Helping Families Recover from Addiction.” She shares her experience, strength, and hope with others at www.jeanheaton.com.
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