Hope in Listening to the Spirit - Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday! Those are the words I heard God say to me the day I returned to Mass—and essentially, to God.

I was baptized Catholic as an infant and attended Catholic school during grade school through high school. By the time I was in 4th grade, I had received all the sacraments of initiation. Despite this, we didn’t live the faith in our home. The only time we prayed as a family was when either I or one of my siblings was told to pray grace before dinner. I only went to Mass with my family on Christmas and Easter.

In the early years of grade school, I learned that God was loving, but I never felt God’s love. I thought God’s special people were priests and religious sisters, yet my interactions with them were sometimes less than loving. I grew up in a home that felt void of love. There was anger, judgmental comments, and physical and emotional abuse. The summer before I entered 7th grade, we moved from Philadelphia to Southern California, from an all-black neighborhood and school to an all-white neighborhood and school. I had never heard the ‘n’ word until this move. I already felt I wasn’t good enough, having received messages from my father telling me I was fat, ugly, and dumb. With this move, I heard new messages that reinforced my feeling I was not good enough—this time because I was black.

When I graduated from high school and moved away from my family home, I left God and the Church. I thought that if there was a God, God surely didn’t care about me. I journeyed apart from God for eight years. I filled my heart with things of the world, yet I could not find lasting happiness.

On the day of my 26th birthday, I had plans to go out and party with friends. As I drove around town early in the day, running errands for the evening festivities, I passed by the church my family would go to on Christmas and Easter. In the hours that followed, I had a nagging and pulling feeling to go to Mass. I couldn’t shake it. When I finished my errands and returned home, I called the church to find out the Mass times. It was a Saturday. The vigil Mass was at 5 p.m.

I went to Mass that day – the day of my birthday. When I walked in, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I still remember it to this day. I sat down and waited for Mass to begin. When the priest walked in and we finished singing the opening song, the priest greeted those gathered with, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Can you imagine my shock?!?

He went on to explain that it was the birthday of the Church—Pentecost! The celebration of the descent of the Holy Spirit upon those gathered in the upper room, as well as upon all of us. As the tears streamed down my face, I knew God was speaking directly to me. God was calling me home. It wasn’t an instant return, but it was the beginning of the Spirit guiding my heart back home to God.

I still look at this day as my rebirth. Years later, when I made the Spiritual Exercises and learned how the Holy Spirit and the false spirit work in us, I recognized my Happy Birthday moment in the First Rule. (Spiritual Exercises, 314) The false spirit had convinced me for years that God didn’t love me and that I needed to find love in the things the world offered. The Holy Spirit chose that moment on the day of my birthday to turn me back to God, where there is lasting love and great freedom. The Holy Spirit chose that opportunity—the birthday of the Church, the giving of the Spirit to the world—to bring me back into the arms of God in a powerful way and in a powerful moment. Through Ignatian spirituality, I have come to know and encounter God as one who created me, protects me, and loves me. Those old, negative messages I received from the world are not words God uses to describe who I am. God says: I am beloved, I am enough, I am beautifully unique.

Ignatius, in his profound wisdom, gave us the Rules for Discernment to help us understand how the Holy Spirit and the false spirit work in our spiritual lives. Rule One tells us that the Lord’s tactic, through the power of the Holy Spirit, is to relentlessly nudge, pull, and push us to awaken our senses and to show us the better way (Spiritual Exercises, 314). The way of love and mercy and freedom. That day was the beginning of my journey to this very moment, as we celebrated yesterday the birthday of the Church and the giving of the Holy Spirit.

Happy Birthday, Church! Thank you, Holy Spirit, for calling me home!

Going Deeper:

Consider praying with these past blog pieces on various aspects of Ignatian spirituality and wisdom tools given to us by St. Ignatius:

• My Ignatian Moment: A Change of Heart in the Cave by Beth Knobbe

• A Guide to Ignatian Discernment: Stop and Ask for Directions by Jean Heaton

• From Desolation to Consolation: What is Desolation? by Becky Eldredge

• If I could write a song about my “happy birthday” experience, it would be “Alive Again” by Matt Maher.

Photo by [Annie Spratt](Photo by <a href=%22https://unsplash.com/@anniespratt?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash%22>Annie Spratt on <a href=%22https://unsplash.com/photos/assorted-color-happy-birthday-candles-with-flames-u9skEqysM1g?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash%22>Unsplash) on Unsplash

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Kim Scott

Kim joined the Ignatian Ministries team in September of 2024. Kim has enjoyed a 20-year career as a Human Resources executive. As she transitioned into mid-life, her desire for finding a deeper meaning and purpose for her life led her to the grace of adoption and then to begin a new career in church ministry. For almost 20 years, Kim walked with countless souls as a spiritual mentor, helping others discover their inner life and unique meaning and purpose. Kim describes her life’s purpose as being a force and a voice for hope and healing. She lives in Henderson, NV with Gary, her husband of 30+ years and Kiara, their young adult daughter.