Christ Has No Voice But Yours - Finding My Voice with Christ

Finding My Voice with God

I still shudder at the memory, and yet it is a catalyst for why I do what I do today.

I sat in a room surrounded by others seeking to be trained to preach the Spiritual Exercises in retreat format. The room was filled with a handful of Jesuits younger than me and women and men older than me. While my age was one of the youngest in the room, my years of retreat experience to all age groups numbered 16 years at this point, outnumbered in experience only by the instructors in the room.

I knew I belonged in that room for one reason and one reason only. God had called me there. When I learned that this training was minutes from my home, it felt like an affirmation to a growing desire to take an even deeper dive into my Ignatian retreat work. Chris and I talked through the investment of not only time to be at the training, but also the investment of resources that included not only the cost of the training, but the cost of a babysitter. Mary, our youngest, was only six months old at the time. While my older two had an invitation to be with their grandparents at the beach, I needed Mary at home with me because I was still nursing.

Each day I woke early in the morning, and fed Mary. I pumped to make sure there was enough milk for the day, and I would drive to the training early in the morning. Chris stayed with Mary for a few hours before a sitter came, and he headed to work. Throughout the day, I attended training sessions and slipped away to pump. This living of my both/and call was well rehearsed at this season of life. Mary was our third child. Chris and I were 7.5 years into parenting at this point. We were well practiced at discerning what motherhood and ministry would look like in each season of life. We both knew that at this moment God was parting the Red Sea again to show the way to live the calls in this season of life.

I soaked up every minute of the training, savoring the wisdom of experienced Ignatian spiritual directors and retreat facilitators. I wrote talks on each week of the Exercises. The essence of Busy Lives & Restless Souls was born during this week of training. Each evening I would return home to be with Chris and Mary, happily savoring our time together. God abundantly gave affirmation through consolation and the ease of the words for my talks. I felt strongly affirmed to be there.

That is, until life-changing words were spoken directly to me in front of the entire group by one of the older Jesuits offering the training, “You have no business being here. You are too young, and you are a woman. People your age have nothing to offer. The only ministry you can actually offer is to people your children’s age.”

The entire room stopped and stilled. You could hear a pin drop. I could feel my heart pounding so loudly I thought it might pound out of my chest. While I had no mirror to look at my face, I can assure you it was as red as a tomato. I felt hot, holy, anger that ripped through every ounce of me. I could not speak. I didn’t trust myself to say a word.

The silence of the room wrapped around me like a heavy blanket. I felt unable to move. I could not speak a word. But I felt a resolve click in me that I will never forget. I knew more than ever exactly what God was calling me to do. To give Ignatian retreats and to use whatever voice I had to empower other voices.

Days after this life-changing moment, I had to stand and give one of my talks in front of the whole group, including this Jesuit who had spoken these words to me. My knees were shaking. My heart was pounding. My throat was tightening.

I am still not sure how I stood up in front of that room, but I did. It is now one of hundreds of rooms I have stood in front of to give an Ignatian retreat since that life-changing comment ten years ago. What God made known to me in that moment remains true to this day.

I am an Ignatian retreat facilitator, and I am using my voice to empower others’ voices every chance I get. It is why my blog went from only my voice to a multi-authored platform that we all know now as Into the Deep. It is why I look to support, encourage, and even train others in retreat work, spiritual direction, writing, and however else God is asking them to use their gifts. And it is most certainly why I am called to found Ignatian Ministries giving others space to use their gifts to help others know Christ.

Because the call did not come from any human being on this earth. The call came from Christ. It is through Christ that I found my voice and call. It is with Christ I use my voice still today. The same is true for you. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you (Phil 4:13).

Going Deeper Together:

• Read Hearing the Call written by Becky in a previous blog post.
• Next Fall and Spring Becky will be teaching two new courses on the First and Second Set of Rules of Discernment, which will help us as we listen and discern the call of God in our life, in big and small decisions that we face. Click here to add your name to get an email as soon as registration is open for either course.
• Read Called and Listening: Responding to the call by Becky.
• We welcome your comments after reading our blog posts. Would you like to share your thoughts? Please share in the comments section on this page.

We are so glad that you like Into the Deep! This blog is offered at no charge as a way that Ignatian Ministries lives its mission to accompany those who are called to a deeper faith. Through Ignatian retreats, resources, community, and more we help you hear God’s voice, embrace the companionship of Christ, and live your unique mission in the world.

Can you help us? Are you willing to be part of our community that keeps our blog and other programs going and available to those who might not be able to afford to participate in a retreat? Learn more and donate here.

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

Becky Eldredge

Becky is an Ignatian-trained spiritual director, retreat facilitator, and writer. She is the author of the Busy Lives and Restless Souls (March 2017, Loyola Press) and The Inner Chapel (April 2020, Loyola Press). She helps others create space to connect faith and everyday life through facilitating retreats and days of reflection, through writing, and through spiritual direction. With nearly twenty years of ministry experience within the Catholic Church, Becky seeks to help others discover God at work in the everyday moments of people’s lives by utilizing St. Ignatius’ Spiritual Exercises and the many gifts that our Catholic faith and Ignatian Spirituality provide.