Encountering Christ in Others—Finding Forgiveness in Marriage

When reading the First Principle and Foundation of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola, I think of how God’s covenantal relationship with us mirrors the sacramental character of Holy Matrimony. My wedding vows included my promise to be faithful to my husband for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health and to love and to cherish him until my death. The Principle and Foundation illustrates God, our Creator, as the source of all gifts, inviting us into a spirit of indifference—of not wanting health more than sickness, wealth more than poverty, fame more than disgrace, a long life more than a short one—and so on with everything else; desiring and choosing only what leads us more to the end for which we are created. During our marriage preparation meetings, the parish priest would remind us that our vows were to inform our actions which in turn would lovingly make a return to God by “getting each other into Heaven”—essentially, choosing to be an example of love to one another which leads us to the end for which we were created.”

Over the thirty-six years we’ve been married, one of the ways we continue our commitment to respond to God’s providential love is through the practice of extending and accepting forgiveness to and from one another. This experience has stretched me spiritually and emotionally, carrying me from sorrow to the relief and hope of reconciliation. Our early years of marriage involved exchanging a quick and easy “I’m sorry” for bumping into one another in our kitchen or apologizing for a curt remark. But the spirit of extending forgiveness involved the person seeking to apologize to ask, “Will you forgive me for…?” Our agreement was that the person responding did not need to say “yes” immediately but could either explain why or ask for more time to process what he or she was feeling. Letting these exchanges play out taught me humility and helped me recognize the resistance I felt toward asking for forgiveness instead of simply saying, “I’m sorry.”

Each experience of asking for or extending forgiveness becomes an invitation to live more fully into the spirit of indifference within my vows. In marriage, this means not favoring comfort, pride, or avoidance, but choosing honesty and transparency with my husband when discussing forgiveness.

I once heard someone say, “Giving up on forgiveness is unforgiveable”. Being a “woman for others” and a “man for others” invites spouses to move beyond seeking self-protection and toward self-giving. I’ve found that not giving up on forgiveness nurtures honesty, transparency and generosity because love isn’t centered on preserving my own comfort or control. The practice of forgiveness has revealed the importance of humility, the freedom of self-awareness, and the gift of indifference—“to only desire whatever leads me to the end for which I was created.”

Not being able to ask for forgiveness from my husband creates a domino effect that disorders my spirit from finding God in all things, situations, and persons. The more we’ve practiced asking for forgiveness without delay, the greater trust we’ve experienced with each other. There have been times when a couple of hours have passed without forgiveness being asked for and given in return. It’s then that weariness in waiting gives way to settling into praying the examen for insight and courage to face a candid conversation. We’ve learned the silent treatment cripples our attempts to address and integrate the painful slights and disagreements that punctuate the joys of married life. As we journey through our thirty-seventh year of marriage, my husband and I are committed to seeking each other’s forgiveness so that dignity, peace, and love may be upheld. Helping each other reach our heavenly home depends on it.

Pause for a moment and reflect on how forgiveness might show up in your life with these reflection questions:

• What fears, pressures, unspoken expectations, or attachments may be affecting our freedom as a couple to extend and accept forgiveness?

• In this season of my life, which experiences of forgiveness are drawing me closer to others (family, friends, co-workers) and to God, and which areas of unforgiveness are creating distance, discouragement, or imbalance?

• Where might God be inviting me/us to greater tenderness, listening, rest, and reconciliation?

Going Deeper

• Discover more about forgiveness through an Ignatian spirituality lens with The Ignatian Guide to Forgiveness: 10 steps to healing by Marina Berzins McCoy.

• Consider another perspective on encountering God in forgiveness with two more articles with Marina Berzins McCoy’s book—Making Friends with Time and Where Do We Begin with Forgiveness.

• Reflect on marriage further with A Book of Readings on Marriage by Committee on Evangelization and Catechesis, USCCB

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash.

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Lori Stanley

Lori Stanley, MA, is the Executive Director of Loyola Institute for Spirituality in Orange, CA. She has been a practitioner of Ignatian spirituality for 20 years and uses its tools to address social injustices and to answer the call to accompany, educate and empower others to discover God’s deep personal love for them. Lori has a MA in Pastoral Theology with a concentration in Spiritual Direction from Loyola Marymount University. She and her husband of 35 years have one adult daughter.