Psalms of Assurance - The Grace of Vulnerability

Bounding into the kitchen, I exclaimed, “Mama! I was chosen to be on the speech debate team!” My mom turned with worry and exasperation lining her face. “Monique, your voice is so loud - de Buren!” My face fell, as did my spirit. I forgot, again. The neighbors (as ‘de Buren’ translates from Dutch) were a strong presence in our young lives. Not because our neighbors were nosey or unkind, but their opinion of our young immigrant family meant a lot to my mom.

Given this foundation, ‘what other people think’ has been a caution laced through my whole life, both professionally and personally. This concern raises the level of anxiety and sometimes sends me down a rabbit hole that takes me a while to escape. Trusting my own perspective becomes risky because ‘de Buren’ are ever present and often related to authority figures in my life. A friend once told me that our defenses are shaped in our past to protect us now. Giving them permission to ‘not be needed’ in every instance, builds both trust and confidence.

My desire for the grace of vulnerability in the coming year means that I will need to step toward opportunities of authentic self-revelation – just as Jesus did. What can I learn from Emmanuel who moved through humanity knowing that he wouldn’t personally connect with everyone he met? That there would be people who would refuse to be moved by his message of seeing God in a new way? He trusted that he was enough. My own struggle with vulnerability reflects that I still don’t always trust that I am “good enough,” as Jesus did.

Vulnerability is a tough sell for many people. There are so many reasons to keep our dukes up in a world that often seems hostile and unforgiving. Yet, there are a thousand spiritual parallels to the defenses we maintain with one another and the way we open ourselves to the Divine. If I am haunted by my concern about what others think, then I will naturally use that same lens in my encounters with God. The ripple effect can be devastating for our spiritual lives.

How can we strengthen our trust in God and others, and ourselves, risking hurt and shame, through our vulnerability?

Psalm 139 is an achingly intimate communication to the One who truly sees and understands us. It begins, “O Lord, you have searched my heart and know everything about me.” When I discover others are renting space in my head, these words bring incredible solace. God knows me. What does it matter what anyone else thinks? God sees me and understands my spiritual stuttering. God deeply loves the over-thinking, introspective woman who hears the voice of ‘the neighbors’ while trying to keep her eyes on the One she longs to trust.

There is a second layer of vulnerability that I also seek: vulnerability with God. I am a visual person and my prayer reflects that. What would be an easy invitation to vulnerability with God? What works for you? I pictured Jesus beside me, the other day in prayer, and I imagined a possible idiosyncrasy of his. I imagined that his hair kept falling into his eyes when he got excited. How my heart opened! Such a little thing and yet this image immediately moved me in a new way. It made me want to reach over and clear his hair out of his eyes. There is a critical intimacy to vulnerability, they go hand in hand.

Although being vulnerable can feel like a tension that I don’t want to voluntarily hold, this isn’t a one-sided experience. Is that what you have experienced? My longing for intimacy and vulnerability with the Divine is inspired by God’s own longing for a relationship with me. Psalm 139 exclaims, “I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!” The invitation from God is constant. Jesus’ human vulnerability invites a vulnerability from me in return. With God I am safe to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is not the end of the story…it is not even the final grace I seek from God. The gift of greater vulnerability with others and, ultimately, with the Holy One, is my next step into the deep. Jesus knows vulnerability firsthand and that means God does too. God’s heart remains intentionally open to me. The embrace of vulnerability goes both ways, an embrace that I cannot fathom and am invited to trust.

Psalm 139 culminates in the lines, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” I would add, “and take me into the deep, where I long to follow you, without defense or worrying about what others think.” I will need a tender, Divine Coach to help me accomplish this. I know just the Person.

Going Deeper Together:

• Spend some time with Psalm 139. Hear yourself giving voice to your longing. Then hear these same words coming from the heart of God for you. Linger there and see what else is revealed.

• Is this the year to find a Spiritual Director to grow past your own vision of your spiritual life? A spiritual director can help you open yourself in vulnerability while being a companion on your sacred journey. Check out the possibilities at Spiritual Direction (ignatianministries.org)

• Spend some time getting concrete with your own issues of vulnerability. Perhaps, list them and dissect them on paper. Find a parallel with your need for a specific vulnerability with a time when Jesus met that vulnerability for someone in the Gospels. What do you notice happening within you?

• Artists Aaron Shust and Mike Janzen both approach Psalm 139 in unique musical ways. Their choice of words and imagery speak to vulnerability and hope.

• Vinita Wright, reflects on perhaps our deepest vulnerability of all in her piece Belonging: When We Feel as If We Don’t Belong to God | Becky Eldredge She poses valuable considerations.

• Do you have any thoughts or reactions to Monique’s blog post? Were you able to give voice to your longing? Are you able to be vulnerable with God? We welcome your comments!

Photo by Artur Voznenko on Unsplash

Monique Jacobs

Monique Jacobs has been engaged in professional active ministry in the church for 40+ years, offering workshops, retreats, and writing. She accompanies people in these roles, and as a Spiritual Director, using Ignatian methods and spirituality. Her joy is to serve as mentor and companion to others, highlighting their gifts and helping to build up the body of Christ. Monique also hosts a YouTube Channel: Finding God in All Things, new videos posted weekly. Monique serves as the Director of Mission and Identity for Catholic Charities of Northern Nevada. Subscribe to Monique’s YouTube Channel, Finding God In All Things.