From Desolation to Consolation: Thanks for the Memory - Movement from Resistance to Ease

From Desolation to Consolation:

Thanks for the Memory - Moving from Resistance to Ease

Here I am, a few sentences in, and I’m stuck in a sinkhole like the one I fell into years ago. Where did that image come from? The Holy Spirit knows I think in pictures and this memory from 35 years ago is back as though it happened yesterday. “What’s going on, Mare? You just prayed for inspiration, and here is a memory for you to ponder.” “Now? I have a deadline! Company is coming this afternoon. I have an apple pie to bake. The house is a mess. Can’t you just tell me?”

Winter in the woods of Vermont finishes with Mud Season if you live on a dirt road, and we have a very long dirt driveway up to the house. Winter’s frozen ground transitions to mud in early Spring. Back then, we had to walk the quarter mile to the house to avoid getting the car stuck.

One March day, my 3 year old son and I had almost trudged to the house after a long day of work and daycare. Hungry and tired, I was holding his left hand with my right, doing my best to keep us moving, walking on the patches of snow that still remained to keep as mud-free as possible. All that changed in an instant. Suddenly, my entire left leg was sucked into what felt like a cold vat of chocolate pudding. I was a city kid. I didn’t know about sinkholes, and this was not my idea of the best way to learn.

“Now what do I do?” The sun was going down, already freezing and getting colder. I am trapped in the mud and suddenly terrified that Ryan would wander away beyond my hand and get stuck, too. My husband wouldn’t be home for hours. We were completely alone. Still holding Ryan’s hand, I rocked back and forth and couldn’t budge. Ryan, with the wisdom of a three year old said, “Up, Mommy. Up.” Back then, praying was not my first go-to solution, but the message was clear…literally and figuratively. I was stuck, and fighting it wasn’t helping. Helpless and afraid, I stopped trying to rock myself free.

“Mare, God gave you a Guardian Angel for a reason.” I took a breath and kicked into triage mode (no pun intended) and began giving orders to my poor Guardian Angel. “OK, I am really scared. I have to get out of this mess and get Ryan to safety. On the count of three, I am going to pull, and you are going to push!” I know. This is not how we are taught to pray, but this is what happened. As I counted, “One…two….” I futilely pulled myself forward. Yup, still stuck. At “three”, I felt a powerful push on my whole back and I went flying out of the mud. Literally. We raced into the house…my fully laced, well tied, size 10 ½ left boot remained buried in the mud.

It was hours before I had the chance to process what happened. I never have figured out how my left foot got out of its boot. This story, all true and understated, really is a metaphor for my life and spirituality. I trudge forward trying to keep track, feeling responsible for everything, because I always have. I don’t trust easily…or at all…often, not until I am cornered and helpless, and then I still fight to be in charge when, clearly, I am not. I have learned and grown in the past 35 years and regularly thank the Holy Spirit for leading me to Ignatian Spirituality. My copy of Becky Eldredge’s list of the 14 Rules of Discernment is well worn and could be my wallpaper pattern.

Rule 14 says that the enemy has a deep knowledge of and appreciation for my strengths and weaknesses and does everything to use them against me, to keep me from surrendering to God’s love for me. I have always struggled to find my footing. For a lifetime of reasons, trusting can be excruciatingly difficult, all my defenses kick in to protect me from being vulnerable. It is so much easier to give orders that I know are right than to ask for help. God’s tenderness can be frightening, and desolation encourages me to resist all the movements of the Holy Spirit to draw me closer to what I long for.

Over time, with grace and God’s patience, trust becomes easier for me. Remembering this and so many other less dramatic memories of God’s faithfulness in my life eventually helps to drown out the voice of the enemy. I am able to be vulnerable, reaching out to God in prayer and contemplation, humbly asking for clarity and healing.

It is fun to laugh now at the memory of me flying out of that sinkhole to warmth and safety, and I will always love the image of the enemy stuck in the mud with my long buried boot.

Going Deeper:

• Our course Going Past the Shallows: The First Set of Rules of Discernment just began in August. This course reviews the fourteen Ignatian discernment principles created by St. Ignatius of Loyola. The rules help us to notice the movement of the Holy Spirit, and the false spirit, so that we can better recognize and follow God’s voice and make choices that are aligned with God. The next session is Wednesday, September 25. The teaching sessions by Becky Eldredge are recorded and posted the following day after the live event, so even if you can’t attend in person, you will benefit from the live presentations and the “Between the Month” reflections for August - December. Click here to learn more and join us!
• Read Patient Trust by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ. from Hearts on Fire: Praying with the Jesuits, pages 102-103

Above all, trust the slow work of God.

• Pray the Guardian Angel prayer:

Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God’s love commits me here, ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen.

• Our Fall Online Retreat, Love and Freedom: The First Principle and Foundation has just begun. Join us as we explore the depth of God’s unconditional love for us, embrace the freedom God seeks to give us, and to discover the purpose of our lives. When we aren’t focused on this, it is easy to become distracted in the ways that Beth pointed out for us. We hope you will join us as we journey deeper together! Click here to learn more and register.

Photo by Simoné Stander on Unsplash

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Mary Ann Gessner

Mary Ann Gessner has worked with all generations as an art teacher, in Nursing Homes as Recreation Director, Social Services and Admissions Director and Administrator. She was the Director of Admission with a focus on international student recruitment for St. Johnsbury Academy in Vermont and holds a BA in Studio Art and Art Education from the University of Bridgeport, CT and a M.S.A. from St. Michael’s College in VT. Since retiring in 2015, Mary Ann has enjoyed the gift of time to nest, quilt, and cook. This gift of time led to Ignatian Spirituality in the Inner Chapel and Becky’s Overwhelmed No More retreat and the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. Mary Ann is an Ignatian trained spiritual director in private practice, an Interfaith Chaplain and is applying her love of storytelling as a writer. Her two sons have moved gracefully into their adult lives with their families. Mary Ann and her husband still live in the log home they built almost 50 years ago in the woods of Sheffield, Vermont.