Encountering Holy Desire—Naming the Grace We Desire

My spiritual director was leading an in-person retreat at a place I had longed to visit. The title of the retreat was “Pentecost: The Holy Spirit that is Alive and Well Within Us.” I thought attending the six-hour retreat on Pentecost Sunday would be a great way to celebrate the 13th anniversary of my being confirmed as an adult in the Catholic Church. I also wanted to be in community with others face-to-face. Having done so much on Zoom, I was looking forward to feeling the spirit of human connection again.

At the beginning of the retreat, we were asked to write down names for the Holy Spirit. My list included friend, teammate, and encourager. We then went around the circle, and each of us shared one name from our list. I said, “Friend.”

As I listened to the others, one word caught my attention: “Ignite.” It reminded me of St. Ignatius’ directive to “go forth and set the world on fire.” It comes from the Latin phrase “Ite, inflammate omnia” which means, “Go, inflame everything.”

Our next prompt was to consider, “What is the Holy Spirit teaching you during this season of your life?”

As I journaled, my response reflected that one word, “ignite.” The Holy Spirit was teaching me to keep the fire burning inside. No more excuses. No more waiting to be perfect. Go out and set the world on fire with the Gospel message of love and forgiveness, courage and fearlessness.

We were then paired with the person sitting next to us to tell them about our encounter with the Holy Spirit. It was a welcome opportunity to practice holy listening—to listen without judgment and to resist the urge to respond. It allowed me to listen with the ears of my heart, with compassion for the one who was sharing.

It felt safe to be in the presence of the Holy Spirit whether I was the one speaking or listening.

Later in the retreat, we were asked to ponder the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit found in Galatians 5:22–23—love, joy, peace, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, goodness, patience, and self-control.

The director then gave us another prompt: “Is there a longing in you during this season of your life for one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit?”

Saint Ignatius believed our deepest longings are planted by God. Ignatian spirituality explains that our truest desires are how God communicates with us. Throughout the Spiritual Exercises, we are asked to name the grace we desire.

My answer was a longing for the fruit of patience. More specifically, the grace to wait patiently for God’s providence and timing in the writing of my memoir.

I’m in the “messy middle” of writing my memoir. I’d been struggling with moving from my head to my heart, going deeper in the telling of my story. I felt the resistance. Do I really want to open myself up? I felt impatient. It’s taking too long to write.

The prayer, Patient Trust, by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a 20th-century French Jesuit priest, came to mind. I felt the Holy Spirit reminding me to “trust in the slow work of God”, to give the Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading me, and to accept the anxiety of feeling myself in suspense and incomplete.

Mary, be patient. Trust God.

The afternoon concluded with one of my favorite spiritual exercises, Visio Divina, Latin for “divine seeing.” A variety of pictures were placed on a side table for each of us to choose one that spoke to our hearts.

I chose the photo above to pray with because it reminded me of the scripture passage from Isaiah 64:8: “We are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

The verse is a powerful expression of God as our creator who shapes our lives.

I was struck by the two pairs of hands, one seemingly older and larger, the other younger and smaller. The two were working together in the messiness of it all to create something beautiful.

I heard God whisper, “Mary, let me shape you. Trust me in the messiness of writing your memoir.”

Ignatius added his words of inspiration. “Mary, let the fire of your story, A Loving God Is My Coach, ignite the hearts of others.”

I left the sacred grounds of the retreat center after my long-awaited visit with a holy desire. “Lord, I’m asking for the grace to be patient and to trust you. Let the Holy Spirit, my friend, help me to write my story, no matter how deep I need to go or how long it might take. Let your will be done through me.”

Amen.

I invite you to Consider This:

• What is the Holy Spirit teaching you in this season of your life?
• Which fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5:22-23 are you longing for now?
• Where might God be at work in this season of your life?
• What are God’s dreams and desires for you?
• How might God want to be shaping you?

Going Deeper

• Ponder the words in Luke 12:49: “I have come to set the earth on fire, and how I wish it were already blazing!” How does the fire of God’s love ignite your heart?

• If you are unfamiliar with naming the grace you desire, spend time with Naming the Grace We Seek by Becky Eldredge.

• How do you label desire in your life? If you are unfamiliar with the holiness in desire, read Finding God in Our Desires by Vinita Hampton Wright.

• Spend time in prayer with Patient Trust by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, S.J.

• If you are weary in the longing, allow God to encourage you through A Blessing for When the Road is Long by Kate Bowler.

Photo by Sam 🐷 on Unsplash

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Mary Hile-Nepfel

Mary Hile-Nepfel is an Ignatian-trained spiritual director of the Spiritual Exercises. She is currently writing her memoir, A Loving God is My Coach, which details her life as an athlete and a basketball coach through the lens of the Spiritual Exercises. In telling her story she hopes to reveal a loving God who shows us how to win in the spiritual life with the freedom to choose Jesus Christ.

Mary lives in San Bruno, California with her husband Bill and their four-legged son Samuel.