Savoring Easter - My Lord and My God

My Lord and My God

Why wasn’t Thomas in the upper room on Easter Sunday? There had to have been a reason and it is lost to time. What we know from scripture is that he showed clarity and courage in the face of fear after Lazarus died and Jesus wanted to go to Bethany. (John 11: 1-16). It was Thomas who galvanized the apostles to follow Jesus.

Weeks later, Thomas had the courage to say to Jesus on Holy Thursday, “Yes, but…” when things didn’t make sense. (John 14: 1-6). Jesus washing their feet, the words of consecration over the bread and wine and then dismissing Judas after the meal was confusing enough. Then to hear Jesus predict his betrayal and Peter’s denial. Those were gut punches. Jesus was using his last words to offer what reassurance he could. Thomas was trying to understand. He was really listening! “Where I am going, you know the way.” It was Thomas, who admitted to Jesus for himself and for me…that he had no idea. With gracious clarity and gentleness Jesus responded to him, “I am the way…and the truth…and the life.”

I want to cry out every time I hear Thomas reduced to the doubter, “Stop, and let’s allow some emotional context!” Remember, this happened only two days after Thomas’ beloved teacher had died the most awful death imaginable. What is recorded and has carried throughout time is that Thomas doubted. Is doubt a character flaw? In my experience, doubt is a thoughtful defense, a protective defense when things are too much for my humanity. It holds me until I can handle what is before me.

Why wasn’t Thomas in the upper room on Sunday? The others were together in shock and fear trying to process the trauma of the crucifixion and the exhausted, grief-filled hollowness of Saturday. Was he off somewhere blaming himself for not doing more? We know he had courage. We know he was analytical. Was he trying to put pieces together in his mind as introverts do before he could face the others? Was he off getting food to bring to them? Had they eaten anything since the Last Supper? Whatever the reason, Thomas did find his way back and what he found was a group transformed, happy and talking at the same time about Jesus coming in through the locked door, speaking to them, and then…disappearing! My heart goes out to Thomas. What was going through his mind? “Jesus isn’t dead?” “He appeared but didn’t come through the door?” “Why didn’t he wait for me?” “If only I had come back sooner!” Those would have been my questions, too.

It must have been an excruciating week for Thomas as the apostles told and retold the details of Jesus’ appearance. At what point did it all become too much? Did he pretend to sleep to escape the story, to not hear, “Thomas, you should have been here” one more time?

Then, in that same locked room, (John 20: 24-29). Jesus came back just for Thomas. I’ve never heard anyone say that, but isn’t that what happened? Jesus loved Thomas and knew that Thomas needed a different approach. He needed time. Jesus came to bless his missing friend. The Way and the Truth and the Life came for the one.

There was no shaming or judging of Thomas in that upper room when Jesus said to him. “Come here, Thomas.” Every human expression of grief and shock from toddler to adult gets us momentarily stuck and entrenched. We all need a soft voice calling us into open arms. Praying those moments, I understood Thomas in a new way. I became him. Jesus gently brought Thomas to him, gently held his hand and guided it into his wounds. Thomas, completely vulnerable, felt Jesus’ breath on the tears streaming down his face. In that moment, what had all been too much became everything. Thomas stopped analyzing. His heart spoke for us all. “My Lord and my God.”

I have prayed often with Thomas over the years. I am a thinker, too. With clarity I take action and don’t look back. I doubt, and am too good at second guessing myself and feeling guilty. It was a grace this Easter season to hear something different as Jesus spoke to Thomas. Can it be that Jesus’ words are not the rebuke I thought they were? Now I hear words of knowing compassion, a logical observation, “You believe because you have seen me”. I feel Jesus looking right at me, speaking to me. “Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.” That’s us! Blessed are we. Blessed am I.

It was a shock to realize that I made my first communion almost 70 years ago. I clearly remember the nuns instructing us to look with love at the elevated host during the consecration. We were told to say, “My Lord and my God.” I had no idea who St. Thomas was back then. I know and love him now. He has been my companion, surrendering to Love with me in every Mass throughout my life.

“My Lord and my God”

Going Deeper Together:

• Reflect on hearing Jesus say to you, as Mary Ann did in her blog, “Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.” How does it feel to hear Jesus say those words to you?

• Consider praying with one of our new Prayer Resources, The Grace We Seek - Ignatian Paths of Prayer, such as Embracing the Mystery of Every Day.

• Are you 1 of the 153? Ignatian Ministries has kicked off our 153 Fish Spring Apeal. Our goal is to reach 153 monthly donors by Pentecost Sunday, May 19th. Help us hold the mission so that we can continue our value of generosity in offering retreats, prayer resources, and programming scholarships, establish and strengthen our infrastructure, and expand staff and systems to keep up with our rapid growth. Learn more and donate here.

Photo by Jacob Bentzinger on Unsplash

Mary Ann Gessner

Mary Ann Gessner has worked with all generations as an art teacher, in Nursing Homes as Recreation Director, Social Services and Admissions Director and Administrator. She was the Director of Admission with a focus on international student recruitment for St. Johnsbury Academy in Vermont and holds a BA in Studio Art and Art Education from the University of Bridgeport, CT and a M.S.A. from St. Michael’s College in VT. Since retiring in 2015, Mary Ann has enjoyed the gift of time to nest, quilt, and cook. This gift of time led to Ignatian Spirituality in the Inner Chapel and Becky’s Overwhelmed No More retreat and the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. Mary Ann is an Interfaith Chaplain and is applying her love of storytelling as a writer. Her two sons have moved gracefully into their adult lives with their families. Mary Ann and her husband still live in the log home they built almost 50 years ago in the woods of Sheffield, Vermont.