Lived Hope - Hope for What Remains Unseen (Relationships of Strife)

We were born 14 months apart. Although I’m the eldest, I told someone the other day that my sister and I were like two halves of a whole. We spent a lot of time together before our little sister was born, almost 3 years later, and were well-matched and competitive in sports. Yet, the two halves are very different characters. My sister is a spreadsheet kind of gal, orderly and thorough, methodical and literal. I, on the other hand, am a bit of an artist and lead with my heart, happily finding life parallels and applications between the lines of spreadsheets. These differences are gifts that have benefited us over the years. Her practicality and common sense often help me get past the quagmire of my emotions and overthinking.

Making plans for their future, consulting with all three of their daughters, my parents asked my sister to act as power of attorney, seeing it as a natural extension of her obvious gifts. Then, almost three years ago, she retired and bought a house in Oregon. My father had since passed away, so she invited my mom to move with her and share a home. It was both a practical and loving thing to do. Yet, my mom and sister have had a fraught relationship since the early years.

This move, made with the best intentions, has introduced some very new dynamics for everyone. The seeds of distress and control sown over life and planted deep in the soil of their hearts, began to sprout quickly for my mom and sister. To add to the challenge, neither my little sister, Lu, nor I live in Oregon. The distance made everything more difficult. Lu and I decided to regularly call my mom on different days of the week to offer long-distance companionship and support.

I called Mom on Tuesdays. Each week she wept – and my mom does not cry. She was embarrassed by her inability to solve the challenge on her own. She voiced anxiety over her seeming ingratitude and dismissed her grief by the end of each call. It’s such a mess and tugs terribly at my soul.

Though Lu and I also held regular calls with my sister to offer support and new tools, I found myself getting angry with her resistance. My interior posture shifted to defense as I tried to advocate for my mom who just seemed to pull deeper into a shell. I felt very protective of her.

As eldest, trying to find a role as peacemaker, I’ve really been caught off guard by my strong feelings toward my sister. Noting my own grief, frustration, and distress, my sister has felt my painful push-back.

Irritated and tired with where I found myself, I pondered two important questions: first, why am I holding the position I am? Our faith and St. Ignatius encourage us to look for intention when we look at our behavior, especially behavior that we want to change. What is my motive? Is my motive pure? I have really chewed on this. Is my stance about me, my sister, my mom? Have I pulled on my sister’s shoes and walked in them, yet? I may be determined that my position is justified – and it may actually BE justified – but that doesn’t mean that what’s just is possible.

Second question: what can I/am I learning from this situation? What is the role of control? The invitation in personal reflection is for ME not my sister, so I’ve got to release her in order to ponder myself more deeply. I know God will always lead me to the truth. Objective truth, but also subjective truth.

In relationships, there must be give and take, allowances for expression and behavior. When I look to the Gospel, Jesus never forced his companions into a mold. Thus, subjectively, there is a resilient, forceful, gentle lesson here for me and for my sister, tailored to each of us, from a God who doesn’t dismiss grief, who deeply loves and lovingly restores.

So, what to do next? How to respond to God’s invitation to build in hope? I wrote to my sister and shared my conflicting emotions. I owned the mess, spelling it all out. She replied with honesty and acknowledgement. We are learning new responses, responses that we hope match our maturity and history. There are still sticking points; it’s dynamic and not perfect, but candid communication is helping - so is love.

What about you? Do you have a relationship of strife in your life? Are you tired of holding that tension? Ask yourself the two questions above. This is a Jubilee Year of Hope. Seize the grace offered. There is a way forward, for each of us, beyond personal righteousness and ‘justice.’ Hope is a work in progress, so is sanctity.

Going Deeper:

• Julie True’s song Healing Love can be a helpful mantra as we process strife in our lives and seek to release what we carry to a healing God.

• Read Beth Knobbe’s powerful and practical reflection on Sustaining Hope in Forgiveness.

• Ponder, between the lines, all that Psalm 147 invites of you; asking to hear the voice of a tender God not bound by the spreadsheet, in the words you read.

Photo by: Tim Foster on Unsplash

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Monique Jacobs

Monique Jacobs has been engaged in professional active ministry in the church for 40+ years, offering workshops, retreats, and writing. She accompanies people in these roles, and as a Spiritual Director, using Ignatian methods and spirituality. Her joy is to serve as mentor and companion to others, highlighting their gifts and helping to build up the body of Christ. Monique also hosts a YouTube Channel: Finding God in All Things, new videos posted weekly. Monique serves as the Director of Mission and Identity for Catholic Charities of Northern Nevada. Subscribe to Monique’s YouTube Channel, Finding God In All Things.