Encountering Holy Desire—Asking Love to Wait

The last job I had in high school was working in a library as a page. I know that sounds like an insider joke, but that is actually the name of the person who reshelves the books after they have been returned by patrons. Needless to say, the reshelving of books was not a quick job for someone who loves to read as much as I do. I still clearly remember the startling “ahems” of the head librarian when he saw me tucked away with my book-laden trolley in a secluded aisle, worlds opening like magic before me.

Then, I discovered Harlequin romance novels. Oh, you know the ones with the swooning women on the cover, embraced by men with broad, muscular arms. The stories were predictable, captivating, and pretty misleading.

What is love? Ask anyone what love means to them, and there will be a variety of components to the answers: emotions, perspectives, biases, and hearsay. If you had asked me at 17 what I thought, I would’ve come up empty. Athletic, service-oriented, and partial to books, I quickly tired of “girl talk” as a teen and must’ve given off a vibe as well, for I had lots of friends who were boys (and that was easy), but never a boyfriend.

What is love? The predictability of romance novels does readers a disservice if it becomes the template for real love. After I entered the convent the following year, rather than serving with the Peace Corps, love took on a completely different meaning. In the language of religious life, both the Church and the religious woman are considered the Bride of Christ. Christ becomes the spiritual partner, both in ministry and in the heart.

This scared me to death. I could embrace the ministry piece—yes, Lord, put me to work in your vineyard! But the Partner of my heart—how could I possibly be the Bride of Christ? I had no experience of being preferred by a human being; how could I legitimately believe that God might prefer me, choose me, set me apart?

It took me many years to accept and embrace that a partnership with Christ is filled with a love that has nothing to do with the love portrayed in a romance novel. The norms of passionate human love set by society can greatly hamper the freedom with which we surrender to the loving Spirit of God.

Our relationship with a God who has loved us into being before we ever did anything to become loveable is deeply impacted by our human experiences. If we don’t feel successful at human love, we can be highly suspicious of and doubtful about the love which God freely and authentically offers us.

What is important about this? Through years of ministry and offering spiritual direction, I’ve encountered many people who have been afraid to believe in the love of God. “If only God really knew what I’ve done or who I’ve been with.” Using human standards, God’s love can seem too good to be true, and as such, we may not trust it. We may put a figurative hand in front of our heart and stave off the love of God until we are ready, or forgiven, or worthy. Because this desire—both God’s for us and our yearning for God—is so overwhelming, so all-consuming, we delay for…later. We ask love to wait.

Have you experienced this struggle? It’s our human condition and something we’ll wrestle with all our lives. Ignatius teaches us to pay attention to the deep stirrings of our heart and ask for what we desire. Your longing for God is a mirror reflection of God’s longing for you. You aren’t yearning into a chasm outside of yourself. God’s unique love for you has your mutual fingerprints all over it. It looks like you. It fits.

This can still feel hugely overwhelming. Will I lose myself in the process? Will there be anything left of me? Will I disappear into God? The Book of Acts (17:28) says, “For in him we live and move and have our being.” Here, we learn that our feelings are not the measure of God’s love or nearness. God chooses to live within us, to be as near as possible, as intimate as possible, as close to us as our own breath.

Do you fear being loved by God and long for God’s love at the same time? That’s ok. Ask for help to surrender the fear of being thoroughly loved. Tell God about the anxiety and the longing. God finds a way. Don’t ask love to wait any longer.

Going Deeper

• Use this prayer of St. Ignatius as a genuine consideration. Can you make his words your own? How might it expand your willingness to love and be loved by God?

  • “Take, Lord, receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will… Give me only your love and your grace; for this is enough for me.”

• Allow yourself to be encouraged and comforted by Paul Zach’s Nothing to Fear.

• What might be the characteristics of your connection with God? What are the best things about the interaction you have with one another? How does God nudge you during the day or respond to your unspoken thoughts? List these characteristics and then look at them from God’s point of view. Spend some time with what opens within you as you consider this in prayer.

• 1 John 4 may also offer a fresh perspective of how Christ, who knows every emotion we feel, encourages us to walk toward love anyway.

• Spend some time reflecting on this summary of St. Ignatius’ Core Principles of Divine Love. His thoughts may help to make the nebulous nature of God’s love more concrete.

  • Love is shown in deeds: Ignatius famously wrote that “love ought to manifest itself more by deeds than by words”. God’s love is not abstract; it is proven by the physical acts of creation, preservation, and Jesus walking alongside humanity.
  • Love is a mutual exchange: He noted that “love consists in a mutual sharing of goods,” meaning God gives all gifts, talents, and love to us, and true human love responds by giving everything back to God.
  • Finding God in all things: Divine love is present and active in the ordinary world, with God laboring on our behalf in creation every single day.

Photo by Ning Shi on Unsplash.

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Monique Jacobs

Monique Jacobs has been engaged in professional active ministry in the church for 40+ years, offering workshops, retreats, and writing. She accompanies people in these roles, and as a Spiritual Director, using Ignatian methods and spirituality. Her joy is to serve as mentor and companion to others, highlighting their gifts and helping to build up the body of Christ. Monique also hosts a YouTube Channel: Finding God in All Things, new videos posted weekly. Monique serves as the Director of Mission and Identity for Catholic Charities of Northern Nevada. Subscribe to Monique’s YouTube Channel, Finding God In All Things.